Sarcastically Yours, The Wiz

Once again I find myself with nothing better to do than to respond to my horrible junk email.  Somehow, I don’t think spammers like my feedback, though for the life of me I can’t imagine why.  I’m just SO helpful.  At least, I try to be.

This time around, I take on the “miracle weight loss” industry.  Specifically, I take on two emails from the SAME spammer.  I guess they couldn’t get enough of my advice. Here’s the original email:

just-released:-dr.-oz-discovers-new-weight-loss-miracle

Is It Possible to Lose_weight without exercising or_dieting?

You can with Raspberry-Keytone

Dr_Oz is calling it a “Miracle-In-A-Bottle”. Raspberry-Keytone is being hailed_a medical_breakthrough in weight_loss.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE

Obviously, I have killed the links to the “article” and the video.  It’s really from the Dr. Oz show, search it if you give a crap.  I don’t.  Anyway, I couldn’t resist responding to this gem.  So, here’s my reply:

To whom it may concern,

What fuckery is this?  I assume this is some sort of attempt on your part to make money.  I assume that, but it’s so horribly done that I can’t imagine you’re all that successful.  And cashing in on us lazy Americans and our desire to lose weight through zero effort and a complete lack of lifestyle change on our part SEEMS to be a foolproof goddamn business model.  Yet, you fail.  Why?  Because your email is utter bullshit.  Allow me to explain:

1) “just-released:-dr.-oz-discovers-new-weight-loss-miracle”  First off, this is not a word, it’s a sentence.  What’s with all the hyphens?  Do you have some strange email program that charges you by the word like a telegram??  If so, stop using it [stop]  Just stop [stop] (see, that’s a telegram joke. Don’t get it?  Now you know how everyone feels when they stare at your hyphenated word-sentence-title-thing).  Secondly, Dr. Oz is not a research scientist.  He’s a douche with a television show.  He has discovered exactly as many medical breakthroughs as Maury Povich and Rikki Lake.  Perhaps in the future, your title should read something along these lines: Recently featured on the Dr. Oz show: new weight loss breakthrough.  See how this is not only a complete sentence, but doesn’t imply that Dr. Oz is a modern day Jonas Salk?  Nice, no?!

2) As you transition from the title to the body, your unnecessary hyphens become unnecessary underscores.  Why?  Is ​​Lose_weight a file name?  Is there a reason or_dieting must be linked together?  DID you originally send this as a telegram?!  How does one link to a webpage or a video from a telegram, anyway?

3) We’re getting a little carried away with the term “miracle” aren’t we?  Unless this pill makes me walk on water or turn water into wine (or walk on water whilst turning said water into wine), then it’s probably not much of a miracle.  Also, I suspect Dr. Oz is not ordained by the Catholic Church, and therefore is in no position to declare an event to be a miracle.  On a side note, if you DO develop the pill that turns water into wine, hit me up with an email.  I WANT THAT.​​​

You’re fucking welcome.

Sarcastically yours,
The Wizard of Dr. Oz (a.k.a. the CrakGenius)

I felt like I was really helpful with that one.  I addressed the glaring errors and offered positive solutions.  And I threw my hat in the ring for the water-to-wine pill, which was a bonus.  I’m always thinking ahead.  But THEN I got another spam from the same sender.  At this point, I can’t tell if they’re really trying to sell me some crap, or just looking for a free proofreader.  Oh well, either way, they’re getting my input on this monstrosity:

weight-loss-without_dieting-or_exercising?-you-can-with-this.

Summer has finally Arrived, Has you beach body?

If you’re looking to diet Then it’s time to get a diet that GETS RESULTS! You need to check out This Diet , that Gets Results You See Immediately. Widely praised on the_Dr_Oz _TV show, green coffee beans are being hailed as “the discovery” in the last ten years.

Its engineered to seek and destroy fat cells and keep you looking high school thin without exercising or dieting. See Why This Product Deserves So Much Praise

Fucking Dr. Oz.  That guy is ridiculous.  You see what it says behind him, right?  Miracle.  Pfft.  Well, here we go again:

To whomever clearly isn’t concerned:

Back at it, I see.  Still using the same telegram-based email client, I see.  I suspect you’re just messing with me at this point, but I’ll bite.  Here are a few suggestions to improve on this sad twatwaffelry.

1) “Has you beach body?” Really?  Has you learned English by looking at lolcats?  For future reference, this isn’t how people really speak.

…nor is this.

2) “keep you looking high school thin”  Fuck you.  I was fat as hell in high school.  And, guess what?  So was the vast goddamn majority of your target audience.  Maybe bringing up the uncomfortable teenage years of overweight people as being the GOAL of this fat destroying pill isn’t your best marketing strategy.  Maybe you should come up with a better synonym for “less fat” than “high school thin.”  You dickwagons.

3) I loves me some flavored coffee.  If I combine raspberry keytones with green coffee and, let’s say, Exlax chocolate, will it become the diet drink of the century?  Or will it flat out fucking kill me?  Just curious… I mean I was totally going to drink that when I wake up tomorrow, but I thought I’d defer to your expertise first. Maybe run it by Dr. Oz so he can test it out in his research laboratory.

Sarcastically yours,

The Wiz (again… a.k.a. the CrakGenius)

I can hardly wait to see what Dr. Oz endorsed nonsense they send me next.  Maybe fermented bat shit to make your hair grow?  Maybe drink Clorox for that “deep down clean feeling” inside?  Who knows.  I just hope they’re not planning on leaning on me as a copywriter again.  This gig is getting on my nerves.