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Nerd Confessions

August 5, 2012

It’s time to get some things off my chest.  I have some confessions to make.  No, I’m not confessing to being a nerd.  That, first of all, should go without saying.  And, secondly, it’s not worthy of “confessing” at this point.  The moment the Transformers movie became the number one movie in the box office, the race was over.  The nerds won.  If you’re not a nerd, I’m sorry.  You gave it a good shot, but you lost.  Deal with it.

No, I have some things that are worth confessing AS A NERD.  Some things which, frankly, make me a pretty bad nerd.  And, as I confess these things, I hope you’ll forgive me.  I’m not proud of these things.

Confession About Dr. Who

Here it is: I don’t watch Dr. Who.  Specifically, it’s the modern Dr. Who which I don’t watch.  I grew up watching Dr. Who on late-night or early morning PBS, and absolutely LOVED the series.  But, to me, there’s only one regeneration of the Doctor worth watching, and it isn’t Barty Crouch Junior.  To me, the Doctor peaked with this guy:

That’s right… Tom Fucking Baker, bitches!

How could you NOT like Tom Baker as the doctor?  It was with his version of the Doctor that the character went from being a know-it-all who’s secretly in total control of the situation, to being a know-it-all who was completely unstable and emotionally unbalanced enough to almost never have control of the situation.  It was really a redefinition, not only of the role of the Doctor, but of the whole idea of a TV show hero.  Besides, just LOOK at him.  The Jew fro.  The felt fedora.  The 12 foot long scarf.  The ascot, beneath a plaid vest, beneath the velour sports coat.  Holy hell, he was the pattern upon which every hipster EVER has based themselves.  And he did it first, which must secretly destroy the heart of every little hipster.

Now, I’m not saying the modern Dr. Who series isn’t awesome.  For all I know, it’s amazing.  But, simply put, I don’t WANT to know.  I want to revel in my childhood memories of the best Doctor ever, and not watch Matt Smith and his floppy hair try to live up to the legend which is Tom Baker and his legacy.

Confession About Kirk v. Picard

That said, I prefer Picard.  Totally.  To be fair, though, ST:TNG came along during my childhood.  I had seen every episode (and movie) of the Captain Kirk era, but the way Picard carried himself seemed much more befitting of a star ship captain.  I just can’t see a classy organization like Starfleet putting up with Kirk’s shenanigans the way they did.

Confession: Numbers Aren’t Actually Funny

It pains me a little to admit this.  But saying, “pfft.  Yeah.  That’s easy as 3.14159265358979…” and continuing to spew however many digits you have memorized just is not funny.  It may seem funny in your mind… but even after you explain, “get it?  Easy as Pi?!”  Nope.  Still not funny, and you’ll still be the only person laughing.  But this rule of numbers not being funny is true of all numbers, not just pi.  When I was in high school I was vice president of the computer club.  The president and I decided to start referring to it as 65535 club.  Why?  Because it was the decimal equivalent of the hexadecimal FFFF, the highest memory address available in computers at that time.  And because saying, “hey, dude, we’ve got to meet at 65535 after school,” made our classmates look at us in confusion, which we found funny.  It wasn’t funny.  It was stupid.  Numbers are not funny.

Except 69… which is always good for a giggle.

Confession About Sports

Ready for this?  Okay… I like them.  Pretty much all of them.  I like everything from cheering on my favorite football team (it’s the Carolina Panthers, by the way… feel free to buy me a Cam Newton jersey and send it to me.  I’m totally not too proud to beg for freebies on my blog!) to rooting for Michael Phelps as he “avoids drowning” faster than everyone else in the world.  I could sit and enjoy watching just about any sport.

Except NASCAR.  I said sports, not driving in circles.

Confession About Celestial Bodies

I will never NOT call Pluto a planet.  Suck it.  I don’t care if it is now considered a ‘dwarf planet’ (which sounds like the planet Gimli comes from… if that reference eludes you then you’re not a nerd and then what the hell are you even reading this for?).  I don’t care if it is only the second most massive known object in the Kuiper Belt.  I not only grew up being TOLD it was a planet, but I had the opportunity to meet and have a conversation with Clyde W. Tombaugh.  That’s right, the dude who DISCOVERED Pluto back in 1930.  And, after hearing the painstaking lengths he went through to chart minuscule areas of the sky in an attempt to find what they were calling “planet x” … after hearing the limitations of the optics on the telescopes they were using … and after hearing his account of when he was actually certain he had found the 9th planet, I will forever refer to it as a planet.  He autographed my telescope, damnit!

Confession About My Telescope

I built a telescope out of a recycled copy machine lens, PVC pipe, and a perfectly ground mirror.  I built it for a science fair project, and it was powerful enough to view the four Galilean moons of Jupiter.  I had it signed by the dude who discovered a planet.  In college, I sold the telescope for $100, which I spent on beer.  What.  The.  Fuck.

If only it were tomorrow! It’s always a day away…

Don’t Judge Me!

That’s it for now.  That’s all the dark secrets which have been a burden on my mind.  Now it’s all on the table.  I hope you don’t judge me too unfairly… after all, it took a great deal of courage to admit all this to you.

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15 Comments
  1. Ok… I’m with you on a lot of this.

    Dr Who: I fell in love with my first Dr, which was featured in the first season in 2005. I was heartbroken when they changed it to the new guy and the series has never been the same for me. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

    Picard. All. The. Way. I love all things Trek. But Picard has always been my fav!

    69 is the only funny number. Period.

    Sports: I dig football and that’s about it. I actually didn’t even know the Olympics was this year until I heard people at work talking about it. Meh.

    I don’t know who made up the whole “Pluto isn’t a planet” bullshit, but that is total nonsense. Pluto will always be a planet. In fact, I keep telling my kids about it. And one day, I’ll even tell my grandkids.

    I won’t lie to you… I’m jealous about the telescope. That’s just awesome.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    • Oh… well… sorry I called your favorite Doctor by his Harry Potter character’s name… unless you didn’t take offense, in which case I’m totally not sorry.

      I only like CERTAIN Olympic events. Swimming and the short track and field races, because they appeal to my total adult ADD short attention span… pole vault and hammer throw for the opportunity for catastrophic hilarity… basketball because I always love basketball. I can’t stand a lot of the Olympics. I found myself trapped at a doctor’s office today watching the only goddamn thing on the waiting room TV… the steeplechase. How is this still a sport? Run… jump over a water trap… run some more. The fuck?

      I won’t lie to you… I feel more guilt about selling my autographed telescope than about anything else here. I still have a celestial map autographed by him, but that’s not nearly as cool.

      • I don’t take offense to anything Potter. You may have realized that I may be a bit obsessed!

        I honestly think they make most of those sports up to keep this shit going all year. I mean, if they didn’t how long would it actually take?

        If you remember who you sold it to, we could always go steal it back. And in it’s place we’ll leave a 6 pack of beer. Sounds even to me. :o)

  2. (HA! Jew fro…)
    That face that Tom Baker is making in that picture is the same face my gyno makes when he’s examining the girl-bits. It’s not creepy at all.
    And Picard kicks Kirk’s ass any day. Kirk was fine and well and all, but Picard could “bring it”.

    • Funny story about that picture… I was Google searching “Tom Baker Dr. Who” and wanted a picture of him in full Doctor costume laughing or smiling, because he was a bit of a goofy Doctor. For some reason, that seemed almost impossible. With the hat on, serious. Without the hat, smiling. It’s a magic mood fedora. Holy shit I could use one of those right about now.

      Picard totally BROUGHT it.

  3. This post is funny and brilliant on so many levels. The bit about the hipsters and Dr. Who was awesome. And Picard is the mutherfucking BOMB! And way hotter than Kirk. Dude, did you see his muscles when he was climbing up the pipes in First Contact? That shit was HOT! (PS, if you Google first contact Picard muscles and click on images? You’re welcome).

    And your telescope story made me cry. I also sold my nostalgic nerd stuff for beer money. Mine was my original scale model AT-AT toy. I cried as I watched the guy drive off. Dumbest thing ever.

    • Well… I’m a guy so… I’ll take a pass on the Picard muscle pics. Haha. But your AT-AT model reminded me of the fact that I had a Boba Fett action figure which I got for my birthday after Empire Strikes Back came out. I kept that fucker in IMMACULATE condition… and my mom sold it in a yard sale. Probably for like 50 cents. I’m sad all over again!

      On a side note, I just clicked your profile and saw the name of your blog. Best. Blog name. EVER! The fact that it’s a good blog is a bonus, because I’d totally subscribe based on name alone.

      • Thank you so much, on both counts. Sorry I haven’t had anything new lately. Work has been eating my brain.

        And hey, you never know about the Picard pics. I’m sure I did someone out there a public service.

  4. I haven’t seen many of the old Dr. Who episodes – something on my long list of things to watch. But, I do watch the reboot, and have seen every episode, and after each Doctor I thought, “it’s just not going to be as good,” particularly when Matt Smith took over. But, damnit, he’s good. I respect a hearty stubborn refusal, but if you ever feel weak and give it a try, you may like it.

    • *sigh* some day, I might. I MIGHT give in on my stubbornness and actually give the post-2005 series a try.

  5. One day I will find a way to/get around to watching the “classic” Doctor Who…in the meantime I just long for the day when Amy Pond stops hanging about and gets on with her life. I know hot redheads in miniskirts are a draw for some people, but miniskirts do not a likable personality make. *CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT*

    Also, definitely feeling the Picard love.

    • Redheads in miniskirts make everything better! *TYPICAL GUY STATEMENT*

      If you do get around to the classic Dr. Who, definitely concentrate on the Tom Baker era. Much better than all the other old Dr. Who regenerations.

  6. I’m 38 years old, and my part time job is at Gamestop… I’m a dork. The Dorkiest. Pluto is and will always be a planet to me too. Everyone else can suck space dust.

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