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Social Media Whore

May 1, 2014

I’m back again, with another blog about all the nonsense I’ve been up to on Twitter!  Okay, don’t roll your eyes.  This is going to be great.  Besides… there are cookies!

Okay, fine.  There aren’t cookies.  But I have been goofing around the interwebs and googlenets quite a bit in the merry ol’ month of April.  For one thing, I gave into the temptation and updated my Twitter page to the new style.

I’m a little surprised at how much people hate the new Twitter format.  Actually, wait, no.  This is the internet.  Silly me, of COURSE everyone hates it!  Anyway, the reason I wanted to try out the new twitter layout was to sort of match the silliness I did to my Facebook page.

What’s that, you say?  You don’t know about my Facebook page?  Well, apologies, but my FB account is a personal one and I blog semi-anonymously.

Anyway, for years, my profile picture on Facebook has been this:

This was created using the "Simpsonize yourself" app from when the Simpsons movie came out.

This was created using the “Simpsonize yourself” app from when the Simpsons movie came out.

However, I recently changed my profile pic to this:

crak2

Why?  Because I have ENTIRELY too much time on my hands, and wanted my header on Facebook to look like this:

fb_header

That’s Right… I Shot Mr. Burns!

And, also, I’m a dork.  And, also, apparently I’m incredibly short since I only come up to Abe Simpson’s bolo tie.

So, it came time to create a lovely header on Twitter that playfully included the bearded king gazing skyward.  What could the self-proclaimed King of Twitter possibly be looking at?  Well, the answer ain’t pretty:

twitter-header

 

Okay, I went with poop humor.  Sorry.  In the future I’ll try to do more highbrow humor in my header.  Like maybe next time the ghosts of Descartes and Ptolemy will be hovering above me… mooning me.  Because butt humor is totally highbrow.

And Now… the Tweets!

I did a lot of tweeting in the month of April.  I think I gained like four followers, so my hilarity isn’t going unnoticed!

The month of April began with, of course, April Fool’s Day.  I did NOT attempt to fool any of my faithful followers.  I was, however, completely fooled by  and  and their little immigration scare.  All I could say to that was…

And now, some of my favorite tweets of the month:

  • Okay Twitter… nobody ruin … no seriously, everybody stop… no seriously… no… damnit… *destroys the internet*
  • You’re incomparable, like a… umm…
  • The 3 year old was dunking his grilled cheese in his Kool-Aid so he should be ready for the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in no time
  • Fun fact*: Aquaman was originally named “Seaman” but the creators didn’t want the jokes to just write themselves.
  • Just when I think Hollywood is all out of fresh ideas, a new Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore rom com comes along and proves me RIGHT.
  • “Taco Bell” is trending for no apparent reason. Seriously, people, get your pot smoking habit under control.
  • Got a job interview with a donut shop because fuck YEAH I want to see how fat I can get! Will I be merely “portly” or “Biggest Loser” fat??
  • “Wait… shit. What’s ‘ocho cinco’ in French? Anybody??” -Chad “Johnson”
  • Cause I’m a picker (nose), I’m a grinner (creepy), I’m a lover (selfish), and I’m a sinner (gluttony, mostly)…
  • I like to randomly quote Mork and Mindy to my kids to drive a wedge in the ol’ generation gap.

The Blood Moon

Apocalyptic signs in the sky?!  Of COURSE I tweeted about it!

 

#Hashtag Wars

Mostly, though, I’ve been playing along with Chris Hardwick’s new show on Comedy Central, @Midnight, and his nightly(ish) game called hashtag wars.  Here are a handful of my entries into this month’s hashtag wars:

#FailedApps

  • Coal Minecraft
  • Snatchpat – not what you think it is… just Snapchat for dyslexics

 #WorseCoachellaBands

  • Picnic at the Disco
  • Z Z Top Ramen
  • Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Sabbath
  • Mumford and Sanford and Sons

 #StupidVillains

  • Bane Damage
  • Happy Go Loki
  • Lex Loofah

 #TaxDayExcuses

  • Forgot to get receipts for all my cocaine and hookers
  • Took all my income in the form of Trident gum because the ad made it look like a great idea.

 #RuinAMovieQuote

So, there’s my April in a nutshell, gang.  Oh… and speaking of nutshells… here’s a little visual aid for my Bane Damage joke.  You’re Welcome.

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2 Comments
  1. flyingplatypi permalink

    Your picture is GREAT!!! And man… I really need to get on this whole twitter thing.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  2. OKAY so I’d be lying if I didn’t automatically think that was bird jizz and not bird poop…. I’m not even sure if bird’s produce semen..dear God how did I graduate high school?

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