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The Beard is Back

April 1, 2014

I’ve finally dusted off the old twitter and started tweeting again, guys.  I know, I was once hailed as “the King of Twitter” (by, I think, as many as 2, maybe 3 people).  Since that time, though, my following has dwindled dramatically as I have really slowed my twitter usage.  Then something happened around the beginning of February that earned me a number of followers… I was retweeted by the Bloggess.

The snowball effect of a Bloggess retweet is a handful of new followers and a handful of re-retweets… and the sudden realization that these people expect you to be this kind of funny all the time.  And, holy shit, I totally hadn’t been any kind of funny on Twitter for a very, VERY long time before that tweet.  Through much of February I got very serious and political because Arizona is run by fuckwits, but I returned to my former lighthearted self and tweeted my ass off in March.  So, as I have done in past blogs, here are some of the highlights from my tweets for the month of March.

Technically, I was referring to changing my avatar back, but it could very well refer to me returning to Twitter in general.

Technically, I was referring to changing my avatar back, but it could very well refer to me returning to Twitter in general.


March 3 – This, for no particular reason, is when I started really tweeting in earnest again.  I had 2 tweets I loved on this day:

  • My son just walked into the room wearing a Marvel shirt and a Batman mask and then was promptly struck by lightning
  • The three year old is singing the alphabet… So now I know my gdk’s…

March 8 – I knew I was starting to really get back into Twitter when I tweeted several times from a tablet while on a vacation:

  • Dear , Maybe drop the “oops” from the All Berries version of the Cap’n. I’m starting to doubt the accidental nature of this product.
  • It’s fully 35 minutes past 5:00 and we still haven’t cracked open this bottle of Jameson! What kind of bullshit is this?!

From that point… it was on.  Here’s the best of the rest of March:

  • My daughter accidentally called Darth Sidious “Lord Syphilis” and now wonders why I won’t stop laughing at her.
  • The crazy wind started blowing my son’s hair straight up… “I think I’m going Super Saiyan”
  • on a scale of 1 to Severed Head, how disturbing are we talking here?
  • All I need to know in life I learned from Alton Brown [from a conversation with ]
  • Queensryche just came on the classic rock station and a part of me wanted to cry.
  • The ten day forecast here is so sexy I want to take a screenshot and make it my wallpaper
  • -What I see when I look at most people’s bios.
  • Between my shaggy beard and my long hair I’m pretty sure I’ve accidentally become a hippie.
  • The only alcoholic beverage in the house is Bud Light. This is how happiness dies, people.
  • I wish this dinner sucked, because it was a ton of work and it tastes so amazing that I know the kids will want it again…
  • “Enticing tale, brethren! Pray tell, recant it once more!” -Medieval Douchebags
  • I’m planning a trip to Vegas in October to celebrate the end to my “dirty thirties.”  Simultaneously exciting and depressing…
  • Shout out to UConn, Kentucky, and Wisconsin for thoroughly fucking my brackets.
  • I wonder if Flavor Flav ever told people he likes to rock out with his clock out?


For me, though, the funniest stuff I tweet out usually comes embedded in a conversation.  For example, when  began tweeting some horrifying selections from a cookbook from the 1970s, everyone was joining in the conversation.  You should check out the whole conversation by clicking the image, but it started with this thing here:


Then there was the conversation I had with Justin Warner (he won the Next Food Network Star a couple of seasons back… in case you don’t know who I’m talking about):

I should point out that I didn’t intentionally make my tweets larger and Justin’s smaller, it’s just easier to embed my responses which includes the original tweets.  Also, mine were funnier. *Self high five!*

Finally, we come to my favorite conversation of the month.  And that’s really saying something, because I had an absolute blast cracking wise with my twitter people over the course of the month of March.  Here, I reconnected with one of my favorite bloggers, Starr Bryson,  of The Insomniac’s Dream… who was living right down the road from me pretty much the whole time I was hiding from the internet and now that I’m back online she’s back in Pennsylvania.  Go figure.  Anyway, on March 18th we had this exchange:


That’s my March Twitter shenanigans in a nutshell.  So farewell for now, my blogbabies… or as the above mentioned Sleepy Bard would say, “happy nightmares!”




From → Blogs

  1. Oh, thank GOD. “Return Of The King!” 😉

  2. Jesus Fucking Christ. I am currently absent from Twitter myself. I show up once a week for #writestuff hosted by Tamara (Pen Paper Pad) and stay in that column. I never Tweet- and yet you found the one gem to pluck out of the mess when I was discussing writing Erotica.

    And yeah, the other thing, you FUCKING DISAPPEARED for six months when I desperately wanted to get a hold of you so we could meet. Then you crawl out of the fucking wood work when I’m 2200 miles away.

    You are a cuntcake, my friend. A serious cuntcake.

    I do miss you though.

    • I’ve been called worse… but yeah. My timing sucks serious donkey. That particular #writestuff entry was a fun one… and our conversation was priceless. Miss you! Hope you get settled in over there in PA with lots of luxuries like electricity and water and whatnot!

  3. findingninee permalink

    You make me want to quit sharing shit on Triberr so I can have less link garbage between my genius tweets. Maybe I’ll start retweeing myself.

    • I actually had to look up what Triberr was before answering this… but yeah I think retweeting your thoughts from other sites onto Twitter is a pretty good idea. I think the hardest part about that is editing yourself to 140 characters, but you could always shortlink to something else.

      For me, Twitter is the form of social media where I am at my LEAST professional (obviously). Therefore, it’s the most fun.

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