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The Descent into Madness

March 11, 2014

Day 1

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

I managed to avoid playing you until today.  I knew a lot of my friends on Facebook were all about playing you, but I was afraid to start because I tend to get totally addicted to puzzle games (there was an ugly Tetris-related incident in ’91… I’d rather not get into it).

But today my ex begged me to play it so I could send her lives.  So I did… and while I was sending out lives I went ahead and started playing some levels… and discovered that I may very well be the GREATEST CANDY CRUSH PLAYER OF ALL TIME!

Day 2

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

I continue to fly through the levels, though they are getting slightly more difficult.  I’m still “crushing” it (see what I did there?!).  I’m sorta sorry I waited this long to try you!

Day 3… or 4?

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

I haven’t slept in… I don’t know how long.  I was crushing candy last night and then the sun came streaming through the window and I seriously don’t know what the fuck happened.  The kids were late to school.  I’m unshaven and bleary eyed.  I still love you, but this is totally all your fault.

Day 6

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

CHOCOLATE IS BAD?!?!  How can the single most popular form of candy be like the antagonist of the Candy Crush Saga??  What is wrong with you people?!  Also, Chicklets are NOT candy.  And I KNOW the green fuckers are Chicklets.  Chocolate should be good and gum should be the candy cancer.  Just sayin’.

Day 8

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

What the fuck?!  SERIOUSLY!

Day 12

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

FUCK YOU!  Seriously, I work to set up for a color bomb and, like, EVERY FUCKING TIME you drop some shit at the top that starts a chain reaction to ruin the very fucking thing I’m working on!  DAMN IT!

Day 14

Dear Candy Crush Saga,

I think my family said something about moving out.  On a more important note, could you reduce the time it takes to get more lives?  I’m living on coffee at this point.

At least I like the music on your game.  On some games it can get annoying but I sorta dig the tune on yours… what with all the happy whistling.

Day 19

Dear Candy Crush Sage,

What’s with the goddamn whistling?!  OMG It’s like there’s a killer slowly stalking me, whistling and sharpening his knife.  YOUR SONG IS THE SOUNDTRACK TO MY NIGHTMARES!

Day 29

Dear Cando Crash Sega,

So cold.  So very cold.

Day 37

Dear Cuckoo Crunch Soda,

Chicklets?!  Hahahahahaha.  *SIGH*  Chicklets.

Day 45

Dear Canary Cunt Smores,

So.  Much.  Chocolate.

The guy.  The voice guy that says “Sweet” and “Delicious” and that stuff.  He eats humans.  He wants to eat me.

Day 49

Dear Canvas Curly Smegma,

He’s in the room with me.  He just whispered “sweet” into my ear.  I DON’T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS!

Day 62

Dear family,

As part of my rehabilitation, I’m supposed to make amends with all those whom I may have wronged during my addiction.  I know I neglected you all a bit.  I’m sorry I forgot to do certain things, like feed or clothe you.

I’m sorry you had to see all the sordid things I did for lives.  Sorry I kept turning the computer clock forward a half hour at a time and then I convinced the youngest that the computer clock was correct and that the year actually WAS 2017 and that he had travelled through time.  That probably wasn’t me at my best.

I’m sorry about the day I went around shouting about chocolate.  And throwing out all the chocolate.  I suppose that made for a fairly shitty Valentines Day.

Sorry I threw out grandma’s Jello and then declared that I had destroyed all the jelly.  I suppose, in retrospect, that Jello and jelly are two different things, but even if they are the same thing, it doesn’t make destroying grandma’s treats the right thing to do.

Also, I suppose I was the person who wrote the word “Chicklets” on the wall over and over in Sharpie, though I can’t for the life of me remember doing it.  How creepy must THAT have been?!  Wow.

Although, between you and me, I’m pretty sure the Sharpie on the wall was the work of the “sweet” guy.

In conclusion, I would love it if we could get rid of the pesky restraining order and become a family again.


The CrakGenius

In Summary

Yeah, I’ve been playing a little Candy Crush.  What have you guys been up to?


From → Blogs

  1. OMG! I miss you SOOO much!!!

  2. Note to self: Don’t play Candy Crush. Just. Don’t.

    • Ahhh yes. The Nancy Reagan approach. That might work.

      Mind you, I myself am only on about day 15… so some of the events above are extrapolation based on how much this damn game has become an obsession already.

  3. findingninee permalink

    OMG that is brilliant and hilarious and way too fucking goosebumpy to be anything other than total truth.
    I just realized I don’t know where my four year old is but I did hide all the sharpies after reading this, so should thank you for that.

    • Yeah… sharpies should be kept locked up whilst in the grip of a full-blown Candy Crush addiction.

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