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My Triumphant Return

January 15, 2014


Six months off.  Six months without so much as a word from me on social media, my blog… anything.  What the hell was that all about?

Mostly, it was about really NOT feeling it.  I just wasn’t there. I even felt like my Snowden blog was phoned in, and for that I made a conscious decision to take half a year off.  But, in all honesty, I should have returned on January first, not the fifteenth.  What can I say?  I’m a procrastinator by nature… but then you already knew that.

So here I am again.  And I’m on a mission: to post a blog a week for the remainder of the year.  That’s fifty blogs for 2014… I know some people who crank out 50 blogs in a month.  That should be easy, right?  Well, it will be… so long as I continue to FEEL it and not phone it in.

Over the Last Six Months

I’ve had some thoughts… musings if you will.  Strange ideas which have entered my mind but then been dismissed as being unworthy of devoting a blog to.  Thoughts like:

  1. If I say the phrase “ball’s in your court” and squint slightly for dramatic effect, I sound like a badass cop from a ’70s crime drama.  If I say the same phrase with dismay, like “Balls?  In YOUR court!?” I sound like I’ve uncovered a judge filming a porno in his courtroom.
  2. Chooplah commented on my previous blog, “It was the song that was playing when I was forced to help my friend with two broken arms pee into a bathtub in the woods.”  What the fucking fuck!?  Why did her friend have two broken arms?  Why is she peeing into a bathtub?  Why is there a bathtub in the woods?  WHY is there MUSIC PLAYING beside a bathtub/toilet IN THE WOODS?!
  3. Where the hell did A Great Big World come from?  Do they just have the ONE song?  Is there a reason this song plays at all hours of the day and night in every retail establishment in America?  Is it some sort of hypnosis thing?
  4. Sure, people wearing foil hats seem crazy, but who’ll be laughing once the robot overlords take over and suddenly all the foil-hats blend in?  Well… nobody, because laughing would make them stick out again.
  5. I’m fairly certain that my best tweet ever included the phrase, “stool sample.”  I’m not sure whether or not I should be proud of this fact.
  6. I did a three part blog in which breakfast cereal characters battled for supremacy.  Seriously?

6 Months of Search Terms

Finally, I’m going to leave you with some of the finest search terms which have led hapless victims new readers to this blog over the last six months.  It’s been interesting… to say the least.

What did the girl say when the nerd knocked at her front door – I… I don’t know.  I assume it was something like, “thank goodness!  My laptop’s been down for days… and when I say laptop I mean computer and not something sexual you silly perv.”

Wife crashes car topless in front yard – Was she topless or was the car a convertible?  I guess I’ll never know.

Plumber porn – Ohhhh…. so THAT’S why all the ladies call Mario “Super.”

Lando Calrissian ruined Star Wars – Whoa whoa whoa!  I mean, I don’t like how Lando shows up in Ep. XI and winks knowingly, provides minimal assistance, and becomes a general… but I’d hardly call that ruining Star Wars.  Midichlorians and Jar Jar ruined Star Wars.

are pillow pets safe when they have leg lites? – Answer: no.  Pillow Pets have no lights.  What you are describing is either a DreamLite or a Pillow Pet which has been set on fire.  Since DreamLites have lights in the back, not the legs, I would assume you have a Pillow Pet set ablaze and you should consider that something unsafe for your child to snuggle up to at bedtime.  (I hope this helps)

satanic cake – Try the “Devil May Care Bakery” on fourth street.  They specialize in devil’s food.  Their pastries are sinful.  They’ll really tempt you.  Um… other puns.

stick drawing the verb bring – Are…. are you attempting to Google image search something to use for an elementary school homework assignment?  The kids today… *shakes fist at screen*

lucille ball topless – Holy crap… I wonder how often people land over at Lucille’s blog through this same search??

first time nude in front yard story – Because by the fifth time the story gets pretty redundant.  And it gets harder and harder to believe the whole thing was an accident.

Jesus playing guitar – Moses on drums, John the Baptist on bass.  I totally saw those guys at Lollapalooza back in ’96.


From → Blogs

  1. God Dammit, now I have to google Jesus playing guitar. I was worried for a while that it was my comment that made you quit the internet altogether… the friend was a boy, and he had broken his arms falling out of a crabapple tree (stay with me here)…We were walking through the woods, listening to “12 Inches of Snow” on tape, each sharing an ear bud from his head phones. He said he had to pee…and, it being Northeast Pennsyltucky, there were many disregarded household items in the woods…his arm casts didn’t let him reach his lady teaser, so I suggested he straddle the bathtub and use it as his own giant personal toilet. Worked perfectly, and looking back I think I should have become an engineer. But now, whenever I hear that song I think of that moment…

    • Baaahaha! I’m pretty damn satisfied with that explanation. No, you didn’t send me running from the internets, but you did give me a lot to ponder whilst away.

  2. Does Satanic cake have chocolate in it? Nevermind. I can search for it.

    • Allrecipes and Food Network are oddly tight-lipped with their satanic cake recipe. I think it DOES have chocolate, though… along with the souls of the innocent and orphan tears. I hope this helps.

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