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The Greatest Conversation Ever – Part 2

June 6, 2013

The conversation about breakfast cereals was a long, intense debate.  Determining who would win, for example, in a fight between Sonny, the guy who goes Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs, and the Trix Rabbit, is a daunting task.  It was however, a task that needed doing.  For humanity.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can click HERE and see part 1.  The gist of the conversation, though, is this: who would win in a battle between breakfast cereal mascots?  Kevin of A Ramblin’ Dad’s Blog and I began discussing this late Saturday night.  There was only ONE way to determine the ultimate champion of breakfast… by a fight to the finish. And thus… the BFC was born.

Yes... as usual I took to MS Paint to create a logo.  No, I don't know why I do these things, either.

The Breakfast Fighting Championship: the battles, epic.  The outcome, irrelevant.

The Tutti Fruity Region

In forming two regions, seeding had to be determined.  The Tutti Fruity Region is, admittedly, the weaker division.  I knew it going into this.  For example, Fred Flintstone finds himself in the Sugar Frosted Region, while Barney Rubble lands in Tutti Fruity.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the league champion can’t emerge from this region.  Mostly because this is all a strange, strange figment of my imagination.

The top seed of the Tutti Fruity Region was the Trix Rabbit, and the two seed is Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs Coo-Coo bird.

Kevin: I think we can both acknowledge that the #trix rabbit and his pent up frustrations would dominate all others.

Me: The Coco Puffs bird is crazy as fuck, though. It would be an interesting match against that Waskilly #Trix Wabbit

The three seed is the character who inspired this whole thing, Lucky the Leprechaun.  He’s a strong contender with great brand recognition and the ability to magically create giant colorful marshmallows which somehow have the textural consistency of Styrofoam packing material.

The four seed, as previously mentioned, is Barney Rubble.  He has cave-man quarry-employee strength, but lacks the brute aggression Fred is gifted with.  The five and six seeds, playing a fowl-versus-fowl bird-cage match are Toucan Sam and Cornelius, the Corn Flakes Rooster.  What… you wanted cage-free chicken?  NOT TODAY!

The seven seed might seem a bit controversial, but the tag-team trio of Snap, Crackle, and Pop falls here.  I know, I know, having a team of three magical creatures seems questionable, but here’s my thinking: these guys don’t really seem like the arrow-shooting, orc battling elves of Tolkien books.  No.  They seem much more like the baking cookies in a tree and making shoes while the lazy ass shoemaker sleeps type of elves.  Do they have magic?  Obviously, but I’m fairly certain that magic is limited to the ability to make cereal “talk” in snapping, crackling, and popping noises.  Besides, while Snap wears a chef’s hat, Crackle seems content to don a sleeping cap and Pop has, for some reason, dressed himself as a drum major.  Conclusion: only Snap is truly invested in his brand and the outcome of this event.

Moving on, we have the eight seed: the Cookie Crisp Wolf.  He falls to the 8 position because, frankly, I was unaware that Cookie Crisp used a wolf as their mascot, instead of the criminal and dog that the cereal previously had as its mascots.

Me: Just discovered two of our tag-teams are bust. There’s only one CTC Baker now, and Cookie Crisp has a… wolf? I think?

Kevin: thats crap. Go old school then. next youre going to tell me theres a 4th crispy brother. Or sister.

Kevin: …hmm. if it turned out the Krispys had a sister, what would her name be?

Me: Sizzle. Obviously.

Me: I have no idea why I chose sizzle. I said “obviously” to deflect all doubt.

Finally, we come to the ninth and lowest seed, the Apple Jacks duo.  The team consists of a grumpy looking apple… named, um, Apple (way to think long and hard, Kellogg’s advertising team), and a Rastafarian cinnamon stick named Cinna Mon.

So, now we get our first complete look at the Tutti Fruity bracket:

Region-2

First up… the play-in battle between Cornelius the Rooster and Toucan Sam.

Me: So in round 1, I think Toucan Sam narrowly loses to the Corn Flakes Rooster in a fowl-vs-fowl match.

Me: Toucan Sam has the ability to fly but the Rooster has all that cock fight training from his time in #Tijuana

Kevin: hahaha and I almost questioned the outcome of that match! Check that rooster for PEDs! I smell a DQ!

In our first touch of controversy, Kevin was right.  Cornelius the Rooster tested positive for performance enhancing drugs (CGH – Chicken Growth Hormone), and was thus disqualified.  The result of this shocking turn of events: Toucan Sam advances to face Barney Rubble. Here’s a peek at the brackets after the disqualification:

Region-2-2

In the first match of the round, the Trix Rabbit and his pent-up fruit related rage faces off against Apple and Cinna Mon.  In a result which surprised NO ONE, the Rasta cinnamon stick got high and wandered off, leaving Apple to fend for himself.  Apple…. a fruit… against the Trix Rabbit.  I cannot even bear to describe the carnage which followed.  The Rabbit advances.

In the Magical Match, we find Lucky the Leprechaun against Snap, Crackle, and Pop.  As I suspected, the elves magic was pretty much limited to just making cereal talk.  At first, Snap’s speed and elusiveness proved a challenge for Lucky, but as Snap began to tire, he refused to tag-in either of his idiot brothers.  Soon, Lucky had Snap trapped under a growing pile of cereal marshmallows, which Snap could only manage to magically emit popping and crackling noises from.  Snap submitted, and Lucky advances.

Barney Rubble against Toucan Sam … this is hardly even a match.  In the end, Toucan Sam was forced to play records with his beak.  On the plus side, he now has a budding career as a DJ.  Unfortunately, this isn’t a DJ competition.  Barney moves on.

The surprising match of the round comes from the 2 versus 8 battle, as the Cocoa Puffs bird, Sonny, takes on the Cookie Crisp wolf… um… Wolfie (I don’t know).  The reason this match is so hard to determine is that Wolfie (sure, why not) has essentially the same power as the Coo-Coo bird, in that desire for his favorite cereal makes him go CRAZY.

Me: Also the Cookie Crisp wolf is an 8 seed because I wasn’t aware it existed.

Kevin: theyre not booing, theyre saying “coooooookie crisp”!

And they were.  They were all chanting for coooooooookie crisp… and the crowd favorite DEFEATS the two seeded Sonny the Coo-Coo Bird.  BAM! Consider your bracket officially busted!

So, as we head into the “Excellent Eight,”  here’s a look at the four remaining in the Tutti Fruity Bracket:

Region-2-3

The Excellent Eight

In case you forgot, here’s the remaining four combatants in the Sugar Frosted Region…

Region-1-3

We’ll begin in the Sugar Frosted Region, with the 7 versus 2 match.  And, frankly I have a problem here.  Tony the Tiger is an icon… a character so intimately connected to his brand that the whole world knows his name (by “whole world,” I mean America, possibly Canada.  Aside from us, probably, not so much).  However, he’s fighting a freakin’ VAMPIRE without the use of a stake of any kind.  I have to assume that, were Tony the Tiger to win, he would advance as some form of vampiric tiger.  Think about it.  A Vamp-tiger.

vamptiger

Besides, I think he’s over-rated as a tiger.  When’s the last time he mauled anybody (besides Wendell the Baker) or attacked anything (besides a bowl full of Frosted Flakes)?  He’s more of an over-grown kitty.  And, for all these reasons, I must assume Count Chocula defeats Tony the Tiger in a hotly contested battle.

Back over in the Tutti Fruity region, we have the Trix Rabbit up against Barney Rubble.  And, frankly, Barney’s just too low key to take on that silly rabbit and his cereal-fueled rage.  Barney’s brute father-of-Bam-Bam strength makes a match of it, but in the end he must submit to the Trix Rabbit.

Also in the Tutti Fruity region, we have Wolfie (just going with it at this point) up against Lucky the Leprechaun.  And this is yet another case where cereal fueled rage dominates, as Lucky’s magical ability to create marshmallows seems highly ineffective against a rabid wolf.  Wolfie (totally trade marking that) suffers a few well-timed buckled-shoe kicks to the jaw, but in the end outlasts the leprechaun and his marshmallowy attacks.  The wolf advances.

Which brings us to… the match to end all matches.  In what many are calling THE deciding battle of the entire BFC, Captain Crunch faces off against angry cave-man Fred Flintstone.  This is, frankly, a battle of epic proportions.  Fred is, without a doubt, a crowd favorite, while the Captain is simply cereal mascot perfection.

Cap’n wins.  Don’t ask why.  Mainly, because for all his uncontrolled rage, Fred lacked any form of weaponry, while the Captain has a sword.  And… it wasn’t pretty.

Fab-4

And now… the conclusion to this amazing blog series can be found HERE!  I know, you we’re totally holding your breath.

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12 Comments
  1. You are ON FIRE! A 3 parter?? My god!

  2. You had me nearly the whole way until the tiger and Fred lost. That’s a crying fucking travesty not once, but twice! Up til that point I wondered If I had written this thing myself in some drug induced trance, but once those two lost, I knew that you were you and not a drugged me. Well done anyway, boys.

    • The tiger, frankly, disappoints me. I mean, he’s a tiger. Why is he all playing soccer and happy about sugar frosted corn flakes? He should be mauling children, not playing sports with them. And eating raw bloody meat, not crunchy flakes in milk. So, yes. The tiger lost. Hopefully this will inspire him to bring his A-game next time.

      As for Fred… I really don’t know what to say, except that the Cap’n has a sword. He really shouldn’t have been allowed to bring that thing in the ring.

      As for not being you in a drug induced trance, thank goodness. I’d be a little miffed if my entire existence was merely the drug induced state of another person, though that WOULD explain a LOT.

  3. I too am bummed about Fred. Angry caveman that obviously has some mental health issues would totally take a captain. The sword does pose a problem but I think that a snippit of crazy Fred going after the Cap’n and the sword becomes a non-issue. Clearly I’m in the wrong but in my crazy mind, I’ll beat a mother fucker down, sword or not, if I’m feeling threatened. Been through too much to be taken out by a stinkin sword 😉

    • Seconded! None of my favs are in the top 4. I’m glad I didn’t put any money on this.

      • I know… but then that’s always the way, isn’t it? Frankly, Fred could have taken the Tutti Fruity Region and found himself in the finals. But that’s what makes the Big Ball (the term Big Dance is copyrighted I’m fairly certain) so hard to predict! Bracket busters like Count Chocula and juggernauts like a sword wielding ship’s captain.

    • You have no idea how long I stewed over that one. In the end, I asked my son who he thought would win in a fight between Fred Flintstone and Cap’n Crunch… and his first question was, “does the Cap’n have his sword?” After that, I didn’t even need to hear what his opinion was. If the Captain is allowed his sword, then it’s a totally different fight.

  4. All I can say is…you’re Grrrrtt! I just name-dropped earlier. You’re welcome. ❤

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. The Greatest Conversation Ever – Part 3 | CrakGenius
  2. The Greatest Conversation Ever | CrakGenius

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