Blogging Lessons: Final Lesson

Pay Attention to Search Terms

Not everyone comes to your blog because they *subscribed to it, or because they saw your comments on another blog, or because they check your blog on a daily basis, hoping to see a new blog (what?  People totally do that!).  No, often people find your blog by typing something weird into Google and clicking randomly on the results.  So, by keeping track of the search terms that led people to your blog, you can have an idea what people are expecting when they find your blog.  On the other hand, you may also see a darker side of humanity that you aren’t completely prepared for.

You Only Live Once

Most of my search terms center around one of the first blogs I ever did.  So, pro tip, everyone out there should write some stupid blog about YOLO, and include lots of images.  I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.  It has been a full year since I did my epic throwdown: YOLO vs. GIGO (which GIGO won, by the way), and to this day, I still get more search results directing people to my blog for YOLO and GIGO related searches than anything else.  See?

Okay, wow… you totally CAN’T see.  Sorry about that.  Well, if you click on it you’ll get a full sized image, but never mind that.  I’ll tell you what it says.  It’s a listing of my top 3 all-time searches on this site: yolo, who said yolo, and gigo.  In fact, 5 of my top 7 all-time searches, and probably about one third of all search terms ever used to locate this site involve either GIGO or YOLO.  So, there you have it.  YOLO (and, to a lesser extent, GIGO) is how to drive traffic to your blog.

Other popular search terms include those related to telling anti-jokes, as I did in my Anti-Joke Off post, to the telling of Nerd Poetry, or the odd reference to Silly Slippeez and Glow Worms from my rant on the children’s bedtime toy industry.  But nothing compares to YOLO and the longevity it has enjoyed in the realm of the search engine.

I Seriously Worry For Humanity

However, these represent but a fraction of the search terms which have led people to my blog.  The rest?  They cause me great concern.  I mentioned it once, in my Satanic Dinnerware post.  I made that post as a joke, making fun of one particular search term on my blog one day.  Yet since then, I have seen NUMEROUS occasions where people have found me via searches for Satanic glasses, dinnerware, dishes, plates, silverware, coffee mugs, etc. etc. etc.   Who are these people?  Is there someone sitting down to dinner, looking at their place setting, letting out a forlorn sigh and saying, “these plates really do NOT declare my love for the prince of darkness the way that they should.”

And then there’s the popularity of the posts Naked in the Front Yard, Suck It Boy Scouts of America, and You Circled What Now?!, which have all been driven by what are CLEARLY intended as searches for porn.  Often, horrible, HORRIBLE searches for what would likely be illegal pornography if represented in image form on the internet.  So… eww.

The rest of the search terms, though, are often hilarious and strange searches which, in and of themselves, seem to be the sorts of things no person in their right mind would search for.  Here, then, is a list I call the Best of the Rest… the best search terms I haven’t already covered.

The Best of the Rest

Zipper Ride – I assume you meant the carnival ride.  That is to say, I HOPE you were referring to the carnival ride, and not something akin to a mustache ride… only on one’s zipper.

Say Yolo One More Time, Bitch – I know I’ve already covered YOLO… but what amazes me here is the fact that 10 people actually arrived at my blog with this one oddly specific search string.

Shitty Birthday – I believe my particular verbiage was “crappy,” not “shitty.”

Pornsure – What the hell?  What is pornsure?  Is it like… “Porn?  Sure!”  I really want to know what this is about!

Bad Computer Horrible Computer – Smelly computer, funky computer.  One computer, two computer.  Red computer, blue computer.

Fuck Sheriff Joe – Seriously, I love that this led to me.

Devil Scorpion – They’re pretty evil, but I believe the popular animal form for Lucifer is a snake.

Naked in Front of Plumber – It CLEARLY states that I’m NOT a plumber! Come ON!

Fantasy Football Flow Chart – Yeah, my guide to naming a fantasy team probably wasn’t exactly what you were looking for, huh.

YOLO Unless You Believe In Reincarnation – For.  The.  Fucking.  WIN.

Winking Devil – He was all like, “I’ll eat your soul,” but then he was all, *wink*.  And I totally LOL’ed.  But then he ate my soul.

Drug Dealer Flow Chart – It also CLEARLY states that I’m not a drug dealer! GEEZ!  And I thought the Fantasy Football guy was disappointed with HIS flow chart.

Frustrated Stick Figure – You mean the best damn stick figure ever drawn in Windows Paint, sucka!

Trashy Vagina – People are actually searching for this.  Seriously.  I don’t think you fully understand.  PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SEARCHING FOR THIS.

Robots With Hats – Um.  Okay?

Menudo Album Covers – Because you just can’t get enough of Menudo!

Denial to Painkiller Addiction – I don’t have an addiction to pain killers.  There ya go.  I know this wasn’t very timely, but if you’ve been following my blog in hopes that I’d EVENTUALLY deny an addiction to painkillers, today is your payoff.

Protesting Funny Pics – I hope you were actually in search of funny protesting pictures.  Otherwise, I guess you didn’t find my pictures very funny, since I failed to see any sort of protest mounted on my blog.

Can I Be Naked in my Front Yard in Arizona? – Can… or SHOULD?

Obama Pink Underwear – What on earth were you hoping to FIND here?  And… why?  Really… WHY?

Clown Rape – Um…..

Dr. Oz Says I Drink Clorox – Well, if you DO drink Clorox and tell Dr. Oz… can you really blame him for talking about it?

Pretzelbondage – Yep.  One word.  I guess it’s a thing?  Like… instead of ropes, you use salty pretzels, I suppose?

She Stood Nude – Perhaps because she was showering.

Cannibalism Funny – Isn’t it?!  I laugh about it all the time.

Dr. Oz Fuck You – That is a LOT of animosity there for a talk show doctor.

Painted Occasional Chair – Occasionally it’s a chair.  Other times, it’s a banana.

Phallic Children’s Toys – Seriously, though… seek psychiatric help.

www . grandmasuck . com – WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?  1. That’s not a search term… that is a goddamn web address.  2.  HOW did that lead to THIS blog?!  3. WHY is grandmasuck.com a thing?  Whyyyyyy?

I Got Another Abbreviation For YOLO, Shut the Fuck Up – You don’t really seem to understand what an abbreviation is.  Or what letters Shut The Fuck Up start with.

Scorpion Venom and Benadryl Hallucinations – Yes, but when I discussed this chemical reaction I named it Scorpadryl, and I EXPECT you people to use THAT name in your search strings.

Motorhead Concert Titties – Can’t remember the concert, I see.

Vasectomy Horror Stories – Boy, did you ever come to the right place.  My vasectomy was a classic!

And, Finally

The weirdest search term that has led people to this blog: They Enjoy His Vagina.  I don’t even know where to begin with that term…

On a more serious note, if you want help in getting more search hits on your blog, try some of the help pages set up by WordPress HERE or HERE.  They’re full of useful suggestions… actually, probably a lot more useful stuff than this blog was full of.

Well, that does it for my one year blogiversary recap!  It’s been a fun and interesting year.  Here’s to a fun-filled second year!

*For those who commented on the previous post… I was able to add the email follow button to the right of the page, but not so much at the top with my RSS and Twitter following buttons.