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Blogging Lessons: Final Lesson

May 20, 2013

Pay Attention to Search Terms

Not everyone comes to your blog because they *subscribed to it, or because they saw your comments on another blog, or because they check your blog on a daily basis, hoping to see a new blog (what?  People totally do that!).  No, often people find your blog by typing something weird into Google and clicking randomly on the results.  So, by keeping track of the search terms that led people to your blog, you can have an idea what people are expecting when they find your blog.  On the other hand, you may also see a darker side of humanity that you aren’t completely prepared for.

You Only Live Once

Most of my search terms center around one of the first blogs I ever did.  So, pro tip, everyone out there should write some stupid blog about YOLO, and include lots of images.  I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.  It has been a full year since I did my epic throwdown: YOLO vs. GIGO (which GIGO won, by the way), and to this day, I still get more search results directing people to my blog for YOLO and GIGO related searches than anything else.  See?

all-time-searchesOkay, wow… you totally CAN’T see.  Sorry about that.  Well, if you click on it you’ll get a full sized image, but never mind that.  I’ll tell you what it says.  It’s a listing of my top 3 all-time searches on this site: yolo, who said yolo, and gigo.  In fact, 5 of my top 7 all-time searches, and probably about one third of all search terms ever used to locate this site involve either GIGO or YOLO.  So, there you have it.  YOLO (and, to a lesser extent, GIGO) is how to drive traffic to your blog.

Other popular search terms include those related to telling anti-jokes, as I did in my Anti-Joke Off post, to the telling of Nerd Poetry, or the odd reference to Silly Slippeez and Glow Worms from my rant on the children’s bedtime toy industry.  But nothing compares to YOLO and the longevity it has enjoyed in the realm of the search engine.

I Seriously Worry For Humanity

However, these represent but a fraction of the search terms which have led people to my blog.  The rest?  They cause me great concern.  I mentioned it once, in my Satanic Dinnerware post.  I made that post as a joke, making fun of one particular search term on my blog one day.  Yet since then, I have seen NUMEROUS occasions where people have found me via searches for Satanic glasses, dinnerware, dishes, plates, silverware, coffee mugs, etc. etc. etc.   Who are these people?  Is there someone sitting down to dinner, looking at their place setting, letting out a forlorn sigh and saying, “these plates really do NOT declare my love for the prince of darkness the way that they should.”

And then there’s the popularity of the posts Naked in the Front Yard, Suck It Boy Scouts of America, and You Circled What Now?!, which have all been driven by what are CLEARLY intended as searches for porn.  Often, horrible, HORRIBLE searches for what would likely be illegal pornography if represented in image form on the internet.  So… eww.

The rest of the search terms, though, are often hilarious and strange searches which, in and of themselves, seem to be the sorts of things no person in their right mind would search for.  Here, then, is a list I call the Best of the Rest… the best search terms I haven’t already covered.

The Best of the Rest

Zipper Ride – I assume you meant the carnival ride.  That is to say, I HOPE you were referring to the carnival ride, and not something akin to a mustache ride… only on one’s zipper.

Say Yolo One More Time, Bitch – I know I’ve already covered YOLO… but what amazes me here is the fact that 10 people actually arrived at my blog with this one oddly specific search string.

Shitty Birthday – I believe my particular verbiage was “crappy,” not “shitty.”

Pornsure – What the hell?  What is pornsure?  Is it like… “Porn?  Sure!”  I really want to know what this is about!

meltyBad Computer Horrible Computer – Smelly computer, funky computer.  One computer, two computer.  Red computer, blue computer.

Fuck Sheriff Joe – Seriously, I love that this led to me.

Devil Scorpion – They’re pretty evil, but I believe the popular animal form for Lucifer is a snake.

Naked in Front of Plumber – It CLEARLY states that I’m NOT a plumber! Come ON!

Fantasy Football Flow Chart – Yeah, my guide to naming a fantasy team probably wasn’t exactly what you were looking for, huh.

YOLO Unless You Believe In Reincarnation – For.  The.  Fucking.  WIN.

Winking Devil – He was all like, “I’ll eat your soul,” but then he was all, *wink*.  And I totally LOL’ed.  But then he ate my soul.

Drug Dealer Flow Chart – It also CLEARLY states that I’m not a drug dealer! GEEZ!  And I thought the Fantasy Football guy was disappointed with HIS flow chart.

what_the_hellFrustrated Stick Figure – You mean the best damn stick figure ever drawn in Windows Paint, sucka!

Trashy Vagina – People are actually searching for this.  Seriously.  I don’t think you fully understand.  PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SEARCHING FOR THIS.

Robots With Hats – Um.  Okay?

Menudo Album Covers – Because you just can’t get enough of Menudo!

Denial to Painkiller Addiction – I don’t have an addiction to pain killers.  There ya go.  I know this wasn’t very timely, but if you’ve been following my blog in hopes that I’d EVENTUALLY deny an addiction to painkillers, today is your payoff.

Protesting Funny Pics – I hope you were actually in search of funny protesting pictures.  Otherwise, I guess you didn’t find my pictures very funny, since I failed to see any sort of protest mounted on my blog.

Can I Be Naked in my Front Yard in Arizona? – Can… or SHOULD?

Obama Pink Underwear – What on earth were you hoping to FIND here?  And… why?  Really… WHY?

Clown Rape – Um…..

stick-droz-hiDr. Oz Says I Drink Clorox – Well, if you DO drink Clorox and tell Dr. Oz… can you really blame him for talking about it?

Pretzelbondage – Yep.  One word.  I guess it’s a thing?  Like… instead of ropes, you use salty pretzels, I suppose?

She Stood Nude – Perhaps because she was showering.

Cannibalism Funny – Isn’t it?!  I laugh about it all the time.

Dr. Oz Fuck You – That is a LOT of animosity there for a talk show doctor.

Painted Occasional Chair – Occasionally it’s a chair.  Other times, it’s a banana.

Phallic Children’s Toys – Seriously, though… seek psychiatric help.

www . grandmasuck . com – WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?  1. That’s not a search term… that is a goddamn web address.  2.  HOW did that lead to THIS blog?!  3. WHY is grandmasuck.com a thing?  Whyyyyyy?

I Got Another Abbreviation For YOLO, Shut the Fuck Up – You don’t really seem to understand what an abbreviation is.  Or what letters Shut The Fuck Up start with.

Scorpion Venom and Benadryl Hallucinations – Yes, but when I discussed this chemical reaction I named it Scorpadryl, and I EXPECT you people to use THAT name in your search strings.

Motorhead Concert Titties – Can’t remember the concert, I see.

Vasectomy Horror Stories – Boy, did you ever come to the right place.  My vasectomy was a classic!

And, Finally

The weirdest search term that has led people to this blog: They Enjoy His Vagina.  I don’t even know where to begin with that term…

On a more serious note, if you want help in getting more search hits on your blog, try some of the help pages set up by WordPress HERE or HERE.  They’re full of useful suggestions… actually, probably a lot more useful stuff than this blog was full of.

Well, that does it for my one year blogiversary recap!  It’s been a fun and interesting year.  Here’s to a fun-filled second year!

*For those who commented on the previous post… I was able to add the email follow button to the right of the page, but not so much at the top with my RSS and Twitter following buttons.
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23 Comments
  1. Oh my freakin’ GAWD this is so funny!!! I love this twisted humor of yours—YOLO, clown rape, grandmasuck—I could read this post over and over and never stop laughing—but then everyone would think I’m weird so I can’t do that. Hey, I’m Marcia Doyle from Menopausal Mother, stalking your page from the writer’s group we belong to on Fb. Spending the day checking out everyone’s blogs. Very happy to meet ya!

    • I need to spend a day doing the same (both the laughing and the checking up on the group’s blogs). So happy you dropped by, and glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Man, you get all the good weirdos! The searches that lead wackos to my blog are “zombie sex,” “pregnant sex positions,” and ‘illegal money.” I guess I’m supposed to write about pregnant zombie prostitutes! That could be a whole new niche for me…hm…

    • I know you’re joking, but seriously there probably IS a niche for zombie hooker sex stories. A horrible, HORRIBLE niche.

  3. I think everyone of those searches have brought people to my blog. It makes me question my own writing, as well as people who search the internets.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    • I look at my search terms and have two knee-jerk reactions. The first is, “good LORD, what is WRONG with people?!” The second is, “wait, what the HELL is wrong with Google?!”

  4. I love search engine terms! I have a feature on my weekly wrap-up called “Best and Most Disturbing Search Engine Terms”. Usually I get a bunch of weirdos looking for nakedness and bodily functions, but occasionally I get some that are quite amusing. Like my personal favorite that apparently brought all the pervs to the yard: Naked Chad Knaus. WTF?

    • Okay, so, please forgive me. As a person raised in North Carolina, it’s sometimes difficult to admit that I don’t follow NASCAR. Like, AT ALL. I mean, the last time I knew anything about the sport, I’m pretty sure Richard Petty was still behind the wheel. So, yeah, I totally ran to the Googles to find out who Chad Knaus was… and while I was at it, I searched naked Chad Knaus. Ready for this??

      When searching for “naked Chad Knaus” your blog is the top result on the third page. Not too horrible. HOWEVER, if you add the word “penis” to the mix… as in “naked Chad Knaus penis” … you are #1 with a bullet.

      You know what would be awesome? If Chad Knaus were to, for whatever reason, run that exact same search.

      • Holy Cow, SERIOUSLY?? ROFLMAO! Nice to know where I stand in the Chad Knaus penis searches. Whoa, and I’m a family friendly blog and all… I guess I’ll know if Chad ever comments on my blog. The sad thing is, I’m not even a Jimmie Johnson fan.

  5. Oh boy, now you’re really going to get a slew of searches. LOL!! The main search that I get for my blog is “reverse psychology on men”. I’ve written about it once and every time I see the search I say, “It was a joke people!” A couple days I got one for reverse “cycology”. I’m scared for her man.

    • Hahaha! Wow. What a stupid search. There is no reverse gear on a motorcycle!

      (Ba Dummm Tshhhhhh)

  6. Hi – Menopausal Mother sent me over – Great blog.
    Pop over to mine at http://www.lifecherries.com

    • I love when people send other people over! Menopausal Mother… you ROCK my dear!

      As for your blog… I love any blog which can seamlessly insert a Rowan Atkinson clip into the course of a story. 😉 Thanks so much for dropping by!

  7. modmomelleroy permalink

    Thank you Jesus, I found the aficionado on Satanic dinnerware! I’m looking for something for my formal dining room that says “human sacrifice” in a somewhat understated way and with gold leaf. Do you know where I can score? My favorite search terms that show up in my stats are “real mom ass” and “do crack heads drink iced coffee?” I say yes, because that shit can really rag out your throat. You need a good cold refreshing beverage.

    • For the dinnerware, I think I may need to open up a store for that shit. Apparently it’s really REALLY popular, but nobody is selling it. I believe what you are looking for is my very own Beelzebub collection. It’s simple, understated, with a tasteful inscription which reads “I will eat your soul.” Of course, ONLY after you finish that meatloaf… am I right? Hahaha…. ohhhhhhhh.

      I also believe that crack heads probably do drink iced coffee… out of a fine, beautifully painted piece of stemware from the elegant Winking Devil collection. Nothing soothes the crack pipe burn in your throat quite like an ice cold beverage served in a goblet that just screams, “I see what you did there, you scamp!” in the devil’s own growling, other-worldly voice.

      Holy crap, I should sell on QVC. I was born for this!

  8. OMG I’ve actually googled “I hate Dr. Oz” OMG I’m one of the crazy people. OMG. I will go now.

    • Hahaha! I have no love for Dr. Oz. I made fun of him on numerous occasions. Hell, I did a whole series of Dr. Oz stick figures in windows paint. Fun times!

  9. Those are some pretty amazing ones! Pornsure sounds like it is an insurance provider for your porn collection. Because it would be pretty devastating if it all got stolen or destroyed, now wouldn’t it? Pornsure: Helping you ‘help’ yourself, even if your stash burns in a fire.

    • That MUST be it! I mean, I’ve had 10 people land here searching for Pornsure! That insurance agency is missing out on tons of people. Wait… did I say tons? I meant tens. Tens of people. Yep.

  10. Your search terms make my search terms jealous. Just saying. Is “search term envy” a thing? Because it should be.

    • Well… as types of envy go, search term envy is pretty far down the list. But I’ll take it. 😉

  11. I just woke up other people at 4am because I was laughing so loud. I mean, not just in this apartment, people next door, and across the street. I wanted to tell you how funny this was before the cops get here.

    • Hahaha! Holy shit if I EVER cause you to land in the clink let me know, I’ll totally cover your bail!

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