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All the Ways That Star Wars Ruined My Life

April 1, 2013

There’s a blog title for ya!  I know.  Take a moment and soak it in.  Because, as a self-professed nerd, that statement is almost as controversial as a Democrat declaring the need for a tax cut for the wealthiest 10%.  So, yeah.  There it is, I said it.  Star Wars ruined my life.  I mean, it’s still the greatest film franchise of all time, but it also ruined my life.  First, though, a quick apology before launching into this blog.

Mea Culpa

I wrote a blog where I talked about how infrequently I blog, and then failed to blog for 2 weeks.  Awesome.  There are reasons, however.

1) I couldn’t bring myself to do the next Theme Thursday about funerals.  I started it, but it became entirely too personal and I couldn’t post it.  I’m sorry, my blogbabies, but I still keep you all at an arm’s length from my personal life.

2) I lost internet for almost a week.  Okay, “lost” is a pretty bad description for what happened.  “Fucked off” would be a better one.  I somehow, in the course of paying bills, forgot the internet bill completely.  It got shut off exactly half-way between paydays and I made the decision that, since I was stupid enough to forget the bill in the first place, I’d just leave it off until payday instead of borrowing from the business account to pay the bill.  See?  “Fucked off” fits pretty well, doesn’t it?

So, my bad.  I left everyone out there hanging.  I do have a lot of blogs in the works, though.  First of all, at the end of this month, it will be my one year blogiversary and I have a series of blogs concerning that momentous occasion.  Secondly, I am working with a fellow blogger to launch an awesome new blogging award which will be cooler and better than any blogging award on the planet.  Thirdly, I have the original blog post from my fantasy sports blog which CAUSED me to create this blog in the first place.  I’m tweaking it a bit and will have it up to coincide with the NCAA Final Four.  Don’t worry, folks, it’s not too sporty.

Anyway, on with my planned blog.

The 7 Reasons Why Star Wars Ruined Me

I love Star Wars.  I truly do.  There are, however, just SO MANY WAYS in which those movies messed me up for life.  How, you ask?  Well, let me tell you, in order:

7) The Cantina Band Song

Every time I walk into a shitty bar I start whistling the Cantina Band Song.  Every. Single. Time.  Sometimes I even shout out “second verse, same as the first!” between repetitions of the song.

6) Sometimes, Your Destiny is to Be a Fucking Moisture Farmer, Luke.

One of the worst parts of hitting into a series like Star Wars at an age where it’s difficult to separate fact from fiction, as I did in 1977 at the tender age of 3, is that you tend to see the hero as, well, you.  So I feel a bit like I’ve waited my whole life for the right hologram to play on a droid I just bought from some shady Jawa, thus leading me on the adventure of a lifetime.  Or, whatever the terrestrial equivalent of that would be.

But, not everyone is destined to blow up the Death Star.  Not everyone is going to learn to harness the force and wield a light saber and conquer the emperor.  Some of us have to stay on our dusty desert planet and become moisture farmers.  Or, again, whatever the terrestrial equivalent of that would be.

5) General Lando?!

I’ve always been bothered by Lando Calrissian’s ascension to the rank of General in Return of the Jedi.  Let’s go over his qualifications, as revealed in the Star Wars films, shall we?

  1. He wears a cape.  You know, like Darth Vader.  Seriously, only two people rock the cape in the entire galaxy, and that’s Darth Vader and Lando Calrissian.  Even when given his uniform by the Rebel Alliance… he adds a powder blue cape.
  2. He owned a city.  How?  He won it in a game of chance.  Really.  Won a city.  Gambling.
  3. He was the previous owner of the Millennium Falcon before losing it to Han in a game of chance.  Hello?  Addicted gambler?
  4. He turned over his friend Han Solo and cohorts to the Galactic Empire in exchange for… what exactly?  A promise to keep out of his business?  By Darth freakin Vader??  Good plan.
  5. He finally decided to help his old buddy Han and his friends… but only AFTER Han miraculously survived being frozen in carbonite.
  6. He flies the Millennium Falcon away from Cloud City… abandoning his post as the administrator of Cloud City.  Right after ordering all his men to turn on the stormtroopers, thus putting Cloud City in the path of an imperial strength shitstorm.  Why?  Because fuck Cloud City.  That’s why.
  7. He returns in Ep. VI to help rescue Han, from the situation HE PUT HIM IN.  His part in the whole venture?  Wink knowingly and then provide minimal assistance in the firefight that ensues.
  8. He becomes a General.

From this series of events, I have forever called a person gaining an unearned promotion, “pulling a Lando.”

You mad, bro?

Aww.  You mad, bro?

4) Stupid Jabba

When meeting people, randomly using the phrase, ” This bounty hunter is my kind of scum” isn’t cool.  It isn’t even endearing.  You have just called someone scum… and a bounty hunter, which they probably aren’t.  Unless they HAPPEN to be a bounty hunter.  But even if they are a bounty hunter, you still called them scum.

3) Snarky Yoda

I can not hear someone use the word “try” without copping a Yoda on them.  I hate myself for this, and it haunts me to this day.  Here’s the type of scenario that causes…

Me: Can you see when my next appointment is?

Receptionist: Let me try and pull that up for you.

Me: Do, or do not.  There is no try.

Receptionist: …

Me: …

Receptionist: …

Me: Or, you know, try.  Try sounds good.  Let’s go with try.

2) Jedi Training

As a child, I seriously believed I was a Jedi.  I merely lacked training.  After Empire came out in 1980, I felt I had a pretty good idea of what it took to become a Jedi.  I mean, sure, I didn’t have a green Muppet strapped to my back barking orders at me, but I figured I’d seen enough training from the movie to fill in the gaps.  My Jedi training began in the summer of 1980, at the tender age of 5.  My training routine went something like this:

  1. Run through the woods until sweaty and out of breath
  2. Find a rock or stump to sit cross-legged on.
  3. Lift objects with mind.

That’s where I always got stuck.  I never even got to move on to #4: use force to balance on one hand, or even #5: build light saber.  Nope.  Stuck on step 3.  But, I kid you not, I took this training SERIOUSLY.  Every day of summer, I followed this routine.  Every day of summer, I stomped back home in the late evening hours pissed at my inability to lift objects with my mind.  Of course, it would take years for the discovery of midi-chlorians to hit the Star Wars story-line.  That’s probably a good thing, though.  I would have just stomped home, thrown open the door, and yelled at my parents, “NICE MIDI-CHLORIAN COUNT, JERKS!!  THANKS A LOT!”

1) Channeling My Inner Han Solo

I hate to admit to this, but when Hollie first dug down deep and openly said the words, “I love you,” I pulled a Han.  That’s right, my response was, “I know.”

What.  A.  Dick.  It was seriously the first time I was in a relationship where the other person said the l-word first.  My response came out before I even realized I was saying it.  In my mind it went something like this:

I KNOW?!  Did I just say that?!  Holy fuck, I Han Soloed!  WHY DID I HAN SOLO??  How do I recover from this?  Can I laugh it off.  Okay laugh it off.  Wait no! Don’t laugh!  Why did you laugh?!  You sound like a psycho, who also is a complete narcissist and a dick.  Asshole!  Fix this!  FIX THIS!

After a moment, she cleared her throat and said, “um, and…?”  To which I responded properly.  It was not my best moment, and the fact that we would be together for 10 years and have 2 kids AFTER this event is a testament to her patience.

I_know

This kind, Leia.  This kind of asshole right here.

 

I’m totally a hooker!  I hooked this sucker up, thanks to A Mother Life and My Life as Lucille…

A Mother Life
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8 Comments
  1. Oh Cantina song, how I love you!

  2. flyingplatypi permalink

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I 110% wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said in this post… Even the forgetting to pay the bill In between paycheck s part. Because sometimes shit happens.

    The Awkward Yoda Quote moment happens to me quite frequently…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  3. I’m not a starwars chick, but I must say – I’m curious about this blog award you are creating!

  4. See, I often talk about how much Star Wars influenced my life, but I’ve never considered ways it ruined it. I’ll have to think on that. Right now the only thing that comes to mind is I played French horn in band because of Star Wars. That pretty much sucked. Everything else I think I turned out okay on.

  5. Whats this midichlorian jibberish you speak of?

  6. I think you may have seen them one too many times… I LOVE that you went into the woods everyday to sharpen your Jedi skills. I can so see a little crak genius stomping home pissed off!

  7. oh yeah! Thanks for being my hooker again 😉 at the Hump Day Hook Up

  8. I personally have always thought Luke was a dick. Now Han? Him, I could get to know. So. Do you think George planned this whole diabolical scheme way the hell back then? You know. The whole pre-quel thing? Because if he did, I feel so used.

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