Twiddle Me This
So, I became pretty much an overnight sensation on Twitter. Yeah, you know, what can I say? People love me. I have TENS of followers who hang on my every word. Jealous? Oh, you should be!
I even recently hit a milestone: 1000 tweets. That’s right. I have spewed forth over ONE THOUSAND pearls of wisdom, 140 characters or less at a time. So, to commemorate this amazing milestone, I decided to put my greatest hits of the first 1000 tweets right here on my blog.
And Now… the Best of the First 1000 Tweets in My Twitter Career*
*By “career” I mean “unpaid waste of time”
It all started with my very first tweet of all time:
Actually, I’m incredibly proud that my first tweet ever was a protest against the Boy Scouts of America. That, frankly, was pretty awesome. From that point, though, there was nothing I WOULDN’T tweet about. Here’s the best of my mental vomit (with twitter handles removed for privacy):
Nickelodeon business model: 25% entertaining children, 75% annoying the fuck out of parents.
I jumped to 15 followers… if that’s all it takes, shouldn’t “penis” always be trending (in my mind, my penis is always trending)
So, using a wooden practice katana to hit a pinata… normal? Yes?
Shouted as my son broke the pinata in two: “NOT IN MY DOJO!” My kids are growing up to be every bit as weird as me.
I had a Chinese friend in college named Long Hung Dong. True story. He never knew why we were laughing…
My daughter just made a bad joke followed by a “badum tshh”. Cancel the paternity test, this kid’s definitely mine!
You should try answering the phone “what’s up, buttercup” no matter who’s calling and even at work. It makes people’s day.
Hey this is my 200th tweet! I get a commemorative Twitter mug now, right? #DontReallyUnderstandHowToWinTwitter
The rug matches the upholstery … the curtains not so much. Are we still talking about hair or interior design?
That didn’t make the food pyramid, but if you get a look at the food dodecahedron, it’s totally there!
I’m extremely proud that my blog’s top search term for the day is “funny cannibalism” … all is right with the world.
I should probably go put on some pants and do whatever it is normal people do with their day.
I’m sure glad Jay-Z did “99 Problems” so even middle aged white guys like me can pretend to know something about rap.
I take it as a sign that I need to get a haircut when I wake up with Motion City Soundtrack hair…
Fun fact: I’m incapable of passing a Baby Ruth candy bar at a store without going “Bay Bee Ruuuuuuuuth,” like Sloth from the Goonies.
Was baking the kids cookies for an after school treat, forgot daughter doesn’t have tutoring on Thursday and left her at school.#DadOfTheYear?
Banana boat sunscreen recalls some spray-on products after some users CAUGHT ON FIRE. And I thought MY last trip to the pool was shitty.
Holy crap… you work for Sterling Cooper Draper Price! (5 virtual points to the first person to get that reference)
Therapists put the “mental” in “judgmental.” Come to think of it… they put the “judge” in there, too.
Went to toss an empty box from my ice cream. 7yo smells it and says, “you should sell these – call it smelly ice cream box, fifty cents.”
I like to drink from the bottle, but with my pinky out. Because… classy.
It’s the kids bed time… you know, the point in the night when every kid needs help with the homework they already said was done.
So… if you give someone an expensive car at Christmas and don’t put the stupid giant ribbon on top, will they be all, “what the fuck!?”
It’s like bringing hair to a scissor fight. I don’t even know what that MEANS.
Crossing the threshold into Walmart is a karma fucker in and of itself.
Top search terms that led people to my blog today: 1) Naked in the front yard 2) Satan 3) Shave my balls. Because my blog is fuckin classy.
Out of curiosity… if an ice cream vendor were to be wearing a t-shirt making reference to Walt Disney and “brain freeze” … poor taste?
If #penisparty starts trending, you guys will win the internet.
Two disturbing search terms which led people to my blog today: 1) camping circle jerk stories 2) they enjoy his vagina. Whaaaat?!
A quick shout-out to Denmark and Tunisia, where my blog has been all kinds of popular today. Enjoy the circle jerk camping stories!
Can’t wait until Disney gives Leia the horrible Disney Princess treatment and she has an animated sing-along DVD.
That’s what life’s all about. Surviving horrible experiences so you have shit to talk about when you’re drunk.
I voted yes on Prop 604: more empanadas. Controversial? Damn right!
This is it! My 1000th tweet! Should I be profound or just tweet a picture of my wang? Oops, out of characters. #anticlimactic
So, with wit and wisdom like this, you can see why I have been crowned the “King of Twitter” by my peers. Well… by my peer. One person calls me that. Hi Stacey. Thanks.
Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I always follow back, at least until I find out the only reason you followed me in the first place was to DM me some crappy link to a website for an “exciting business opportunity,” in which case, yeah… go fuck yourself. Until next time!