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Twiddle Me This

November 14, 2012

So, I became pretty much an overnight sensation on Twitter.  Yeah, you know, what can I say?  People love me.  I have TENS of followers who hang on my every word.  Jealous?  Oh, you should be!

I even recently hit a milestone: 1000 tweets.  That’s right.  I have spewed forth over ONE THOUSAND pearls of wisdom, 140 characters or less at a time.  So, to commemorate this amazing milestone, I decided to put my greatest hits of the first 1000 tweets right here on my blog.

And Now… the Best of the First 1000 Tweets in My Twitter Career*

*By “career” I mean “unpaid waste of time”

It all started with my very first tweet of all time:

@boyscouts I was thinking of volunteering, but my brother likes peener. How can I tell if I “caught the gay”? #boyscoutsquestions

Actually, I’m incredibly proud that my first tweet ever was a protest against the Boy Scouts of America.  That, frankly, was pretty awesome.  From that point, though, there was nothing I WOULDN’T tweet about.  Here’s the best of my mental vomit (with twitter handles removed for privacy):

Nickelodeon business model: 25% entertaining children, 75% annoying the fuck out of parents.

I jumped to 15 followers… if that’s all it takes, shouldn’t “penis” always be trending (in my mind, my penis is always trending)

So, using a wooden practice katana to hit a pinata… normal? Yes?

Shouted as my son broke the pinata in two: “NOT IN MY DOJO!” My kids are growing up to be every bit as weird as me.

I had a Chinese friend in college named Long Hung Dong. True story. He never knew why we were laughing…

My daughter just made a bad joke followed by a “badum tshh”. Cancel the paternity test, this kid’s definitely mine!

You should try answering the phone “what’s up, buttercup” no matter who’s calling and even at work. It makes people’s day.

Hey this is my 200th tweet! I get a commemorative Twitter mug now, right?  #DontReallyUnderstandHowToWinTwitter

The rug matches the upholstery … the curtains not so much. Are we still talking about hair or interior design?

That didn’t make the food pyramid, but if you get a look at the food dodecahedron, it’s totally there!

I’m extremely proud that my blog’s top search term for the day is “funny cannibalism” … all is right with the world.

I should probably go put on some pants and do whatever it is normal people do with their day.

I’m sure glad Jay-Z did “99 Problems” so even middle aged white guys like me can pretend to know something about rap.

I take it as a sign that I need to get a haircut when I wake up with Motion City Soundtrack hair…

Fun fact: I’m incapable of passing a Baby Ruth candy bar at a store without going “Bay Bee Ruuuuuuuuth,” like Sloth from the Goonies.

Was baking the kids cookies for an after school treat, forgot daughter doesn’t have tutoring on Thursday and left her at school.#DadOfTheYear?

Banana boat sunscreen recalls some spray-on products after some users CAUGHT ON FIRE. And I thought MY last trip to the pool was shitty.

Holy crap… you work for Sterling Cooper Draper Price! (5 virtual points to the first person to get that reference)

Therapists put the “mental” in “judgmental.” Come to think of it… they put the “judge” in there, too.

Went to toss an empty box from my ice cream. 7yo smells it and says, “you should sell these – call it smelly ice cream box, fifty cents.”

I like to drink from the bottle, but with my pinky out. Because… classy.

It’s the kids bed time… you know, the point in the night when every kid needs help with the homework they already said was done.

So… if you give someone an expensive car at Christmas and don’t put the stupid giant ribbon on top, will they be all, “what the fuck!?”

It’s like bringing hair to a scissor fight. I don’t even know what that MEANS.

Crossing the threshold into Walmart is a karma fucker in and of itself.

Top search terms that led people to my blog today: 1) Naked in the front yard 2) Satan 3) Shave my balls. Because my blog is fuckin classy.

Out of curiosity… if an ice cream vendor were to be wearing a t-shirt making reference to Walt Disney and “brain freeze” … poor taste?

If #penisparty starts trending, you guys will win the internet.

Two disturbing search terms which led people to my blog today: 1) camping circle jerk stories 2) they enjoy his vagina. Whaaaat?!

A quick shout-out to Denmark and Tunisia, where my blog has been all kinds of popular today. Enjoy the circle jerk camping stories!

Can’t wait until Disney gives Leia the horrible Disney Princess treatment and she has an animated sing-along DVD.

That’s what life’s all about. Surviving horrible experiences so you have shit to talk about when you’re drunk.

I voted yes on Prop 604: more empanadas. Controversial? Damn right!

This is it! My 1000th tweet! Should I be profound or just tweet a picture of my wang? Oops, out of characters. #anticlimactic

So, with wit and wisdom like this, you can see why I have been crowned the “King of Twitter” by my peers.  Well… by my peer.  One person calls me that.  Hi Stacey.  Thanks.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter!  I always follow back, at least until I find out the only reason you followed me in the first place was to DM me some crappy link to a website for an “exciting business opportunity,” in which case, yeah… go fuck yourself.  Until next time!


From → Blogs

  1. You obviously are more adept at the Twitter than me. I just don’t function right in 140 characters or less.

    • …counting the number of characters in that comment… hmmm…

      For the vast majority of my tweets, I just write exactly what I want to say in the way I want to say it, then begin trimming it down until it meets the 140 mark.

  2. stacey permalink

    Hi King of Twitter!

  3. I’ve never twitted… twatted… There is a problem with the past perfect, and I can’t seem to get past it.

  4. I worked for the US Congress for a year, during which time the Library of Congress purchased all tweets in perpetuity. Which is to say, four hundred years from now( assuming we aren’t nuked) archaelogists will comb through your tweets to understand the 21st century.

    Kind of a weird thought, isn’t it?

    • That is a HORRIBLE thought. UGH. Considering the vast majority of what I see on twitter, people 400 years from now will think every sentence began with “That awkward moment,” or “Bitches be,” neither of which makes me particularly proud of my place in history.

      Although, that said, I’d love to be a fly on the wall for the conversation of “what is the social significance of the meme?”

  5. And because of your agile finger tips, you get the Sunshine Blogger Award! Yeah… now tell me a little bit about yourself… Here’s the challenge, you must answer all 8 questions in under 140 characters. No you don’t, but that would be awesome.

    And no it doesn’t come with a trophy or a bag of chips.

    • THANK YOU! How about this… I will answer each individual question in under 140 characters per answer… AND hashtag the hell out of it!

      It should come with Sun chips. Just sayin’

  6. EVERY award should come with a bag of Sun Chips! Or Funyons. Or a Snickers…
    I think I have the munchies…

    I am completely in love with the first tweet you twatted. Bold, yet understated, with a hint of bbq sauce…

  7. Awww, you’re so into Twitter, you’re twitterpated! Whether that means you’re in love or just constipated with Tweets, I leave to your discretion.

    • I’ve been totally twitterpated lately. Finally squeezed out a few tweets over the weekend though. Wow. It occurs to me that “squeezed out” is about the nastiest verbiage I could have come up with there.

  8. Sigh. You are almost convincing me to join twitter, *almost.* I still think I’ll wait and see how I feel after I finish getting caught up on learning the rest of the internets.
    The “not in my dojo” one is pretty classic

    • I always wonder how much I should tweet about the family. I think, frankly, my family tweet volume is somewhere in the range of 10% to 15% of what other bloggers tweet. Though, “not in my dojo” was too good not to tweet

  9. All hail the Twitter King! I mostly suck at Twitter, so I marvel at your kingliness.

    • You deal in quality, whereas I go for quantity. It’s the blind squirrel and nuts theory of comedy.

  10. I imagined your tweets being verbally delivered by Bob Hope and at least half of them were funny. More than half of them were out of character, though.

    • I wish Bob Hope could have lived to see the birth of Twitter. He could have been the second greatest tweeter ever (behind Henny Youngman, who, let’s face it, would have been the REAL king)

  11. You are the Crowned One for this reason. Now get busy posting.

  12. CONGRATS!!!! I once tried the twitter thing. Turns out I’m way too wordy for it. My mind doesn’t work in 140 characters per post. I’m jealous of those who do!



    • I usually type something entirely too long for twitter, then begin editing it down until it fits. The number of tweets I post which hit EXACTLY 140 characters is astounding.

  13. I think everyone should be forced to distill their thoughts into 140 characters. Maybe then my ADD wouldn’t distract…oh, look, a butterfly.

  14. Where in the name of Thor are you??????

    • I was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind… well, no. Nearsighted. I wasn’t really lost either. Go back and pretend I never began quoting a spiritual, okay?

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