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How to Fix a CrakGenius – Part 1

October 10, 2012

In a recent post, while revealing 7 things you may not know about me, I mentioned my vasectomy as one of the most horrific events of my life, and promised the story would be coming soon.  After making that promise, though, the thought of “exactly how does one tactfully tell the story of a vasectomy” began to haunt me.  How could I reasonably tell the story without making you, the reader, all squirmy and uncomfortable?  The answer: have a trusted medical professional handle the tricky bits.  So, I decided to tell the story in two parts.  In the first part, I will have a trusted medical professional explain the actual procedure to you.  In the second part, I will relate the horrors of my particular procedure, which was uniquely my own.

Since, obviously, I am far too much of a hack to go out and FIND a trusted medical professional to interview, I will instead be doing yet another interview with a famous person in stick figure form.  I had to choose a medical professional whom most of America… nay… the WORLD trusts and would turn to for medical advice.  The answer was obvious…

An Interview With the WebMD Symptom Checker… in Stick Figure Form

Me: Wow, WebMD Symptom Checker, I feel REALLY honored to have you here to discuss my vasectomy!

Me: Okay, you really just cut to the chase, don’t you.  Alrighty then… uhm.  Hmm.  It’s not really a condition with any symptoms.  Well, I guess, excess sperm?  Would that be a symptom?

Me: What?  Is that a fucking joke?  Sperm, yo!  Sperm!

Me: WHAAAAT?!  What are you TALKING about?  What must be cancer??

Me: You’re tellin’ me!

So, after that went horribly, horribly wrong, I decided to consult the only other medical professional recognized all over America… though I shudder to do so.  If you’ve been reading my blogs for awhile now, you probably know where this is heading.  Just realize, I truly didn’t want it to go there.

An Interview With Dr. Oz… in Stick Figure Form

Me: (sigh)  Well, look what the cat dragged in.  And by “cat” I mean “Oprah.”

Me: Yes.  Yes you are.  So, Dr. Oz, can you share with my readers exactly what a vasectomy entails?

Me: Wow.  Okay, I’m actually impressed that you were able to put that so plainly and without going into graphic detai…

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: The procedure begins by inserting a syringe of local anesthetic into the scrotum.

Me: Yep.  See.  You’re stumbling directly into the “too much information” zone.

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Then an incision is made in the scrotum…

Me: WHOA!  WHOA!  Just… WHOA! The words “incision” and “scrotum” should NOT be in the same sentence, and DEFINITELY don’t need to be on my blog.

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Pfft.  Oprah likes it when I use the words “incision” and “scrotum” in the same sentence.

Me: …I uhhhhhh… don’t need to know that. Anyway, moving on.  Next question: will a person undertaking this procedure feel anything?

Me: Wow. Is that really true?

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Pretty much.  Except when I said “no” I meant to say “yes” and by “nothing” I meant “everything.”

Me: You horrible liar.

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: No, I merely made a slight oversight of the facts which I have since corrected.

Me: This is how dietary supplements and drug companies quote you all the time, isn’t it?

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Huh?  What?  I don’t know what…

Me: NEXT QUESTION!  Will there be any swelling?

Me: Again, I kinda doubt you there.

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Your testicles were each the size of tennis balls before the procedure, right?

Me: …no…

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: Oh, well then yes. Considerable swelling.

Me: (sigh) Is it too late to do this with the WebMD guy?  Yes?  Fine.  Next question: will there be any bruising?

Me: Go on…

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: You will look like you stepped in front of Tiger Woods as he took his tee shot on the fourth hole at Augusta.

Me: See?  That’s more like it.  Full disclosure, Oz.  Question five: how long is recovery?

Me: Okay, see.  A week isn’t so bad.

Stick Figure Dr. Oz: During which time even the slightest movement or attempt to breathe will feel like a thousand angry dwarves are using your scrotum for a pinata.

Me: Geezus man.  That was vivid!  Okay, final question: will I be given any pain meds?

Me: Wow.  Really?  The double thumbs up on a pain killer addiction reference?  For shame, Stick Figure Dr. Oz.  For shame.

That’s it for part one.  Sorry to end on Dr. Oz’s insensitivity.  Wow, that was unexpected!  So, in part two, I’ll tell the tale of my horrible vasectomy.  It shouldn’t take me too long to get that published as I have most of it written already.  Until then… see you in the comments my blogbabies!

Part 2 is ready!  Click here to read it… if you dare!

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14 Comments
  1. All of this was cringe worthy in and of itself. However, today happens to be “spay day” for my friends in vet school. So there’s just all sorts of people up in others’ business today…

    • I feel for them (the dogs and cats), I really do. But, ya know, when you’re done procreating, then you’re done procreating.

  2. Oh dear, I’m guessing this story doesn’t have a happy ending for your groin.

  3. It would be cruel to deny the dwarf clan their annual anti-fertility celebration, with the main event of the scrotum-pinata followed by milky cocktails.

    *cough* That said, I am sorry you were their chosen sacrifice.

  4. I won’t let my husband read this. Vasectomies are happy happy surgeries. No? I’m sorry that it was so awful for you 😦 Hopefully it will end up in lots of laughs for us.

    • My pain almost always ends in laughs for others. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right?

  5. Because I love you so hard…

    http://www.flyingplatypi.com/2012/10/rudimentary-trophy-for-outstanding.html

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    PS Do not say anything bad about vasectomies to Eddie!!!! I have been trying for AGES! He keeps saying something about not letting anyone come by his balls with knives or some crap… Whatever.

    • Ehrrrmahgerrrrrd!

      My second blog award! I can’t tell you how much I’ve been coveting that sucker. I WANT TO WEAR YOUR HEAD FOR A HAT! Indeed! (It makes sense if you click the link, people. Don’t look at me like I just threatened to kill her or something.)

  6. Dr. Oz scares the shit out of me.

  7. My brother recommended I might like this blog.
    He was totally right. This post actually made my day.

    You cann’t imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

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