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Satanic Dinnerware

October 5, 2012

Welcome to your one stop shop for all your satanic dinnerware needs.  Confused?  So was I when I saw this…

Why is someone searching for this… and WHY did it lead them here?

Okay, the formatting on my blog makes that pretty small, so if need be click to see a larger version, or I can just tell you what it says… one person was directed to my blog when they searched for “satanic glass mug.”  This, I find, is a bit odd.

1) Why Did Search Direct This Person Here?

I suppose it had something to do with the post in which I talked about a satanic microwave oven and a free glass mug to any person named Fred (with valid photo ID).  Okay, I get that I may have had the word “Satan” (Satan, mind you, NOT satanic) and the words “glass mug” within the same blog post, but not together.  And not relating to one another (unless Fred is a code name for Satan?  No?  Moving on).  Let’s be a little more selective in our search engine results, mmkay Google?

2) What the Hell (Pun Intended) Was This Person Really Looking For?

So, of COURSE I proceeded to run the same search, and, yeah, nobody out there seems to be selling satanic glass mugs.  Coffee mugs, oh sure.  Plenty of satanic coffee mugs.  Because, apparently, nothing says “rise ‘n’ shine” like a big ol’ cup-o-joe poured in a beverage container dedicated to the prince of darkness.  Examples? Okay then…

Satan looks oddly like I did in college… but with horns

This one is called “Satan is a hipster” … which I think owes royalties to the Hipster Hitler web comic somehow.

There was also a satanic barista who made the cut… and despite having some kick-awesome coffee pouring skills, they might be pure evil. Perhaps they sold their soul to the devil to make them a better barista?

Also, within that same search, I found lots of satanic mug shots.  No kidding, apparently Satan is getting arrested all over the place these days.  Take these unfortunate citizens for example…

As Marisa Tomei said in My Cousin Vinny, “Oh yeah, you blend.”

“Ms. Smith… do you see the perpetrator in this lineup?” “Number 3” “Are you sure?” “Is that a fucking joke or do you have 5 other guys who are a dead ringer for Satan that I don’t see through this window?”

There was also this little gem, which seems to have nothing to do with mugs or glassware of any kind…

“Big brother… how do you spell mommy?” “S-A-T-A-N. Now, wait here while I get my camera.”

And then, yes, right there in the midst of the listings was my image of a glorious glass mug with “Fred” etched into it.  It must have thrown the satanic dinnerware shopper a bit off.  “What the hell?  Does that say Fred?  Why did that come up?  And where can I find my satanic dinnerware so I can register for my wedding?” It must have presented quite a conundrum.

3) Where Does One Turn To Find Satanic Dinnerware?

And thus, seizing upon a glaring hole in the current dinnerware market, I present to you: satanic dinnerware (drawn poorly using Microsoft Paint).

The Winking Devil collection… “wink wink nudge nudge”

The Celtic Pentagram… teaches children the importance of eating their vegetables while also teaching the importance of the lord of the underworld.

The Beelzebub collection… so very hungry

These will all soon be available from my store!

4) But, You Don’t Have a Store…

Exactly.

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23 Comments
  1. Yummy! I’ll take the seafood risotto with a side of brimstone!

    • My risotto always comes with a side of brimstone… and by side I mean mixed right in. What I’m saying is I burned the risotto. So….. enjoy?

  2. Some of the more interesting searches leading to mine include “nude zombies,” “squirrel with bagpipes,” and “woman pretzel bondage.” There are many interesting people in the world.

    On the plus side, you now have enough references to satanic items that your site will no doubt dominate the satanic kitchenware market. Maybe you SHOULD start a store!

    • Not “funnel butt temptation”? Huh. I would have thought the funnel-butts would be flocking to your blog these days.

      Also, yeah, I guess I COULD start a satanic dinnerware store, but I’m not entirely sure I WANT that audience.

  3. Karyn/@analogyqueen permalink

    Laughing so hard I almost peed. Love it.

    • Perhaps I could recommend a nice pair of satanic adult diapers? Also available in my store!

  4. Ummm. I have an ex bff that I would TOTALLY buy the Hungry for your soul pattern. Maybe you should approach Corelle. Their cherry blossoms and bamboo patterns are tired. And why limit this pattern to the Halloween season? I mean, Satanists worship all year long, right? It’s a niche that needs filling. Just saying.

    • It really is. If only I knew how to get some dinnerware made up… I truly love the Beelzebub collection. And by “collection” I mean “blurry plate image I cut and pasted a picture of the devil and then typed ‘hungry… for your soul’ on.” Which is LIKE having an actual collection, right?

      • Earth2Body Sisters permalink

        Did I mention Zazzle? You could at least start with coffee mugs. You can put them up on your site for sale to your loyal readers like us!

  5. I would totally sell my soul for that Satan coffee. I bet it would warm me to my very soul!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    • It would … had you not SOLD your soul to get the coffee in the first place. Oh well. It’d be delicious anyway.

  6. Being able to view search links is an eye opening experience-the internet is a random, strange place. My favorites on mine have been “Buddha hippie weed” and “winter dream wino”. “Satanic glass mug” though.. that is pretty hard to beat

    • Haha I’m not sure how someone stumbles onto a blog searching for “buddha hippie weed,” but the better question again is, what were they searching for to begin with?! Also, Satanic glass mug was by far my best search term yet, but I can’t even hold a candle to the ones Cerebral Milkshake gets on her blog.

      Check hers out here: http://cerebralmilkshake.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/somewhere-out-there-a-granny-has-ruined-someones-asshole-alternate-title-happy-sunday/ (the unbelievably bad search terms are about halfway through this blog post)

      Really glad you commented on my site! I checked out your blog and enjoyed it… though… coconut butter? I’m not so sure my love for the coconut runs that deep.

      • omfg: “spiders in lady’s vagina.” I can’t breathe 😛
        The buddah hippie weed thing was from my work blog, roguewino.blogspot.com. I rag on hippies alot, despite sorta being one myself.
        I’m happy to have found your site- I’m just getting acquainted with the funny people that are hanging out here in the internets (straying from my usual dark corner of bitter restaurant blogs), and having some good fun in the process.
        If you can’t hack the full-on full-on coconut love that is coconut butter, I suggest coconut oil. It makes an excellent substitute for cow butter, and you still get all the health benefits.

  7. I think you just guaranteed more “satanic glass mug” results. In fact, maybe this was all an elaborate plot to boost your SEO for that search. Well played.

  8. What do you get the satanist who has everything? Luckily you’ve now provided an easy to read, complete resource for such a need.

    • Satanists are so difficult to shop for… especially in the bible belt AS YOU WELL KNOW! I mean, we both grew up in North Carolina. Where would you find this sort of thing out there? Nowhere, that’s where!

  9. This is what I was looking for, and like you, decided to just make it exist, mainly because it seems like it would already, now that there are plenty of aging hardcore rockers out there and because the devil worship sensationalism of the 80’s seems so absurd to me.

    http://andrewapeterson.com/2013/06/satanicgothicdevil-worship-dinnerware/

    Now that we have the Web, anyone with a little bit of curiosity can reverse engineer the symbolism and general facade of theistic satanism (upsidedown crosses and pentagrams, 666, goats Etc) and see that it’s little more than a misunderstanding, or at best, an example of clever marketing on the part of musicians of the past. It’s all pretty funny to me. People were actually worried about this stuff!

    • Although I tend to shy away from allowing anyone posting links within comments, what the hell. I’ll let this one slide because 1) you fucking GET IT and 2) you had the balls to start the Zazzle store I never would. Well played, sir.

      • THANKS! We’re now the top results for the search “satanic dinnerware.”

        …So… What’s your beef with zazzle? I just did it because it was the only way to do full-surface one-off food-safe plates.

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