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It’s Awesometober

October 3, 2012

I have to admit, I freakin’ love the month of October.  First of all, it’s the month of my birthday.  Now, I’m at an age where I prefer my birthday to go by quietly unnoticed, but I still enjoy the memories of wild birthday parties past, as well as cake (who doesn’t love cake?).  Secondly, it’s the month where every store becomes a purveyor of the macabre.  There’s something weirdly amazing about seeing a dollar store covered in plastic skulls and spider webs, or walking beneath a giant inflatable spider as you shop the grocery store (as if grocery shopping weren’t scary enough!  Am I right, @JillsBrilliant?).  And then, the cherry on the fun sundae that is October, Halloween.  A night where children are encouraged to wear masks and beg candy, adults encouraged to drink to excess, and adult women encouraged to dress as … well, you know.

For this blog, it means that I am going to entertain you all with tales of birthday craziness and Halloween debauchery all month long.  So, we have much to speak of.  Not in this particular post, though.  This post is a bit different…

Apparently, I Suck

I think I’m zeroing in on the whole reason why I’m single.  My life, lately, has become an experiment in perspective.  Let’s rewind several months and you’ll see why.

At the time, I lost my job, which sucked.  And I was faced with the glaring question: how the hell do I provide for my kids?  I could, of course, get a smaller place like an apartment and have the kids move in with their mom.  But she and her husband were barely scraping by as it was.   Then we hatched a plan.  I was living in a huge house with ridiculously low rent (as I’ve previously mentioned, the trade-off was that the house was old with constant maintenance issues which I have to handle myself).  In fact, the rent at my four bedroom home was less than they were paying for a three bedroom.

I think you can see where this is headed.  So, yeah, for a while now I’ve been living with my ex and her husband.  Awkward?  Oh, you bet it is.  But financially it works, especially now that I’ve been able to get my ice cream business off the ground.

But, in seeing how I converse with Hollie versus how her new husband does, I’m starting to get the impression that maybe I shouldn’t be a smart ass ALL the time.  Maybe, just maybe, that got tiresome after a while.  Example, you say?  Okay, here are two from the past few days…

Hmmmm… I’m thinking we need to add more soap…

So, What Cycle Was That?

Here’s a … uhm … friendly exchange that took place today.

Me: Hey, Hollie, what cycle do you use on the washer to wash the mop?

Hollie: Uhm… you’re going to clean the washer after you wash the mop, right?

Me: But of course.  I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise!

Hollie: Ah, you’re learning I see!

Me: You know, I love you like that one singer loves that “Delilah” chick.

Hollie: Actually, did you know they broke up long before that song ever came out and the singer hates to even perform it because it reminds him of her?

Me: Ah, you’re learning I see!

Hollie: [scowl]

Me: Sooo… quick wash?

Hollie: *sigh*

I Believe it Was Sir Monty of Python Who Said it Best…

On Sunday, Hollie and her Italian husband took the kids to Catholic mass.  Here’s the conversation we had when she returned home.

Me:  So?  How was mass?

Hollie:  A bit… odd.

Me: How so?

Hollie: Well, they had the cash for gold people there… I guess to help people make some money for the collection.

Me: Ahh… money changers at the temple.  Jesus would be proud.

Hollie:  Hmm… I hadn’t thought of it that way…

Me:  So, as a Jew, does it worry you to attend Catholic mass?

Hollie: Worry?  Why would I worry?

Me:  I don’t know… because of the Spanish Inquisition?  That could totally happen again.

Hollie:  Uhm, I think not.

Me: It’s true what they say… nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Hollie: [glare]

Me: Too soon?

Hollie: [glare]

Me: It’s been like 500 years…

Hollie: [glare]

Me: You know how it is… once they start, you can’t Torquemada anything.  Get it?  Torquemada?  Talk ’em outta?

Hollie: *sigh*

Hey Torquemada, whadaya say?!

And then Hollie got all confused and called me by the wrong name. Seriously, it was weird.  I don’t even KNOW anyone named Dick.  Oh well.  How awesome was it that I managed to quote Monty Python AND Mel Brooks in one conversation?!  Who would NOT want to live on the edge of their seat, wondering what wiseacre nonsense I’ll say next??  Apparently, most people.  So, I should curb that.  I should…  but I know I won’t.  I guess for now I’ll enjoy the single life.  The awkward, awkward single life, with my ex and her husband living under the same roof.

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14 Comments
  1. Ummm. I have SO many things I cannot say. I CAN say, it’s nice to meat you. You’re funny. I like that. I cannot believe how amazingly wonderful you must be to do the living arrangement thing you’re doing. I’m married and we’re together…with children. I’m tired. Need a nap. I ❤ sarcasm. I LOOOOVE Monty Python, Mel Brooks, and anything that makes me laugh until I need to pee. (too much?) Glad we met. 😉

    • I clearly love them as well, but maybe I could tone down the quoting of them at inappropriate moments (could… but won’t). Also, I’m less “wonderful” and more “realist.” 😉

      Also… it was nice to meat you as well. Particularly the cross-rib roast.

  2. Awkward. I said “meat”. I meant, meet. Geez.

    • I could edit your comment and fix that. BUT 1) it’s just SO “Lucy” and 2) I couldn’t do the cross-rib roast comment.

  3. Oh, did I mention that my b-day is in October and that Halloween is my VERY favorite holiday??? Creepy? Sorry.

  4. Not creepy unless it’s October 23rd and you’re missing a long lost twin brother, then … well, no still not creepy.

  5. You quoted The History Of The World! I think I love you!

    • I LOVE History Of The World Part 1… I just wish Israel would get it together and develop a space program so we can finally have History Of The World Part 2 without disrupting the “coming in part two” sequence at the end of Part 1.

  6. Man, living with an ex is be tough, especially with a new spouse thrown in to boot. Maybe instead of changing your conversation style, what you need is someone to follow you around with a little drum set to do the *badum-tsssh* thing every time you make a wisecrack? Because those are some funny lines.

  7. October is a GREAT birthday month 🙂 It’s when all the awesome people have birthdays!

    I have this memory as a child of this house in my neighborhood where the parent who wasn’t the designated “take the kids trick or treating” parent would meet up with us for about 15 and we would “hang out.” They had the BEST house. Their whole garage was decorated like a haunted house and there was a cauldron of steaming “adult beverages.” Talk about open container laws! That people had the most popular house on Halloween. Because parents would hang out and chug sangria or margaritas or whatever for 15 minutes and get a good buzz going so they could make it through the end of trick or treating. I want to be that cool house. With drinks for parents. No non-alcoholic drinks allowed.

    • Questionably flying in the face of open container laws are all a part of the glory of Halloween.

  8. HUGE Props for the quotes!! That takes some serious snarkiness. Also, I think you should continue to be a smart ass. Why change? Let the people around you change. Or, hump them into submission.

    Whoa… Living with the ex? That’s a tough one. I should know… My mother in law lives with us. Yes. Yes you read that right. I am Double Smart Ass to her. Because I’m a jerk like that.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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