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Craigslist II … Even Craigslistier!

September 4, 2012

It’s been about two months since I took a look at the awesomeness that is the best of Craigslist page (in case you missed it, my first Craigslist post can be seen here).  And, since then, there have been even more amazing listings to look at.  So, I decided the time has come to take another look at the quirky hilarity that is the best of Craigslist.  This time around, I invited a guest to help me comment on the madness.

I’ll bet you’re wondering who I invited to join me.  Some cool blogger?  Nope… I invited none other than the man behind the machine… the mind from which the list itself sprung forth… the Craig in Craigslist: Mr. Craig Newmark!

Me: First of all, it’s a real honor to have you here, even if it is in stick figure form.

Stick Figure Craig: It’s an honor to be here, even if your blog is so bland looking.

Me: 

Stick Figure Craig: I mean… beige and brown?

Me: Really?  Have you SEEN your own site?

Stick Figure Craig:  Ahh.  Touché my friend.

Me: Speaking of your site, at what point did you know it was full-on awesomeness?

Stick Figure Craig: Pretty much from the onset we knew we had something special.

Me: So, describe to me what that was like.

Me: Wow, good times.  Good times.  Shall we get to the best-of awesomeness?

Stick Figure Craig:  Absolutely!  I’m really DRAWN to that page!

Me: …A stick figure pun?  Already?

Stick Figure Craig: Gotta STICK with what you know…

Me: 

Horse in a hotel


Date: 2012-08-09, 10:07AM CDT


Hi. My friend would really like to meet the person who snuck this horse into a hotel. Was it you? Was it your friend? Let me know if you have any info!
Me: Wow.  That does, indeed, appear to be a horse in a hotel room. Have any comments on that one, Stick Figure Craig?

Me: Really?  More puns??  That’s starting to get pathetic, man.  Who writes your material?

Stick Figure Craig: Uhm… well actually…

Me: Never mind.  Don’t answer that.  Let’s get to the next best-of listing.

Dear God of Bass Players


Date: 2012-07-10, 12:15PM PDT


Dear God of Bass Players, I, a humble singer and guitar player, and my drummer compatriot, humbly beseech thee to send us a bass player, strong of wrist, fleet of finger, and wisened in the ways of rock and roll, particularly punk, post punk, and garage. Would that this bass player be over the age of 21, so that we may drink ale together and perform at local taverns. May he or she be in possession of a vehicle with which to travel, and professional quality gear with which to produce tones most pleasing to the ear. We ask that you grant us a battle-hardened bass player, possessing knowledge of scales, so that when I say “this song is in E-minor,” he or she shall comprehend. May he or she be a punctual bass player, and not a lay-about, a rogue, a ruffian or a villain. In John Entwhistle’s name we pray. Amen.
Me: This one KILLED me.  My lord, it had it all.  From “Dear God of Bass Players”  to “In John Entwhistle’s name we pray,” I loved every word of this damn listing.  What say you, God of Stick Figure Internet Pioneers?

Me: Really? That reference seems entirely out-of-touch with your age AND your hippie sensibilities.

Stick Figure Craig: Again, I could point out…

Me: Moving on!

free mug to “Fred”


Date: 2012-07-11, 8:59PM EDT


Large glass mug with “Fred” etched into it. Free to anybody named Fred. Photo identification is required.

Me: Wow… really?

Stick Figure Craig: Did you SEE that sweet mug?  SO worth it!

Me: Would you also change the name of the website to Fredslist?

Stick Figure Craig: No… why?

Me: …uhm…

Magic witch cookbox


Date: 2012-07-31, 9:05PM EDT


Tired of cooking by leaving food out in the sun for hours on end? Don’t have the time or patience to build a fire in your kitchen? Now you can cook your food with the power of witchcraft. At the moment, I possess an item of great power (approx. 1380W). By harnessing the power of Satan, this box uses voodoo magic to heat food very quickly. How do I know that it is powered by magic? Why else would the food be boiling lava hot in some places while frozen in others? Anyway, this evil spirit channeling device can be yours for the tidy sum of $60 (or best offer). The runes engraved on this machine seem to tell me that the box was constructed by Sanyo in the Year of Our Lord 1996. EM-F540WK seems to be some kind of model number, but I fear it may be a magic incantation. It’s quite sizable, in any case (1.1cu. ft.). You could easily fit a great number of sandwiches inside, provided you wanted those sandwiches heated up. Be warned that bread placed inside may become soggy. This is also clearly the work of evil spirits. If you are a brave soul, contact me and we can discuss a proper sacrifice to be offered in the ritual of exchanging ownership of this device ($).

Me: Best.  Upsell.  Ever.

Me: No, it’s white.  See?  I made a nice animated .GIF file for you.

Stick Figure Craig: (sigh)

Me: What?

Stick Figure Craig: You should have just named me SHTICK Figure Craig.

Gene Simmons VW Bug


Date: 2012-06-17, 12:53PM MDT


70 VW Bug New engine, new tires and wheels, floor pans body restored and painted black w metal flake and pearl.
Car will be finished in 40 days (in time for concert) come see it now, buy it as is for less, or put downdeposit to hold it for you and your coolest friends to take to “Comfort Dental Ampitheater” Aug 8th.

Me:  Holy shit!  How badass is THAT?!

Me: Really?!  How can an internet pioneer be this stupid?

Stick Figure Craig: Look, jackass.  You’ve been doing this whole thing yourself.  I’m not really Craig Newmark, I’m you!  You’ve been having a dialogue with YOURSELF.

Me: (sulking)

Stick Figure Craig: What, now?!

Me: You broke the fourth wall.

PS:  I’d like to thank my horribly unreliable internet connection over the past two days for giving me long periods of time to waste on Microsoft Paint creating Stick Figure Craig Newmark.  So… thanks?

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21 Comments
  1. That VW Bug is either terrifying or awesome … I’m just not sure which.

  2. I love the prayer for the bass player. If I am ever in a position to write a job ad, I will totally take this approach.

    • I hope to someday be qualified for a job which posts in this manner. Then I could actually enter into a job interview and say, “I’m the answer to your prayers.”

  3. I am in love with this post. The witchcraft microwave will be mine 🙂

    • Hmmm…. you may have to fight Bananastick3rs for it. Although, honestly she should hold out for a blender possessed by Satan (the better to make cerebral milkshakes with) and just let you have the microwave. After all, she’s already got the toaster oven.

  4. You’d have to pry that microwave out of my cold, dead, Satan-worshipping hands. It would go great with our Beelzebub possesed toater oven.

    • It’s strange how the power of Satan is relegated to small kitchen appliances these days. It must have something to do with the decline of heavy metal or something.

  5. I, too, would like to meet the person who snuck the horse in there!!! I can’t even sneak my 6 lb min pin in a room… The talent is almost too much for me to bare.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    • Bear… Damn it.. I need to get off this cold medicine.

      • But, what would a Valtember be without excessive usage of cold medicine? …Or maybe I’m misunderstanding the roots of this holiday.

    • I gotta figure if you can sneak a horse into a room, you better plan on tipping the maid WELL.

      • Think of it man…. We sneak a horse into the 3rd story and let it roam. We put a banner on its ass that says VALTEMBER. It’s the perfect plan… Sort of.

  6. It’s super smart that they want to check photo ID to make sure your name is actually Fred. Otherwise who knows what kind of shenanigans that mug would get into in the hands of a Kelly or Armondo.

    • Or… a Jillian. Huh? Oh, come on. You KNOW you want it! It would totally be worth wearing a fake mustache and printing up a “Fred” fake ID for. No last name, just Fred. Like McLovin only better.

  7. Can’t stop laughing! I now have a new addiction to the Best of Craig’s List. Love it!

  8. That VW is on the line between cool and and creepy. I liked the fact that it’s only for “you and your coolest friends”. It really helps narrow your list.

    • Yeah, which is a shame as I was thinking of buying it and driving around my LEAST cool friends. You know, particularly shy people who really would rather NOT be stared at inside the gaping tongue wagging maw of a car made to look like Gene Simmons. Because I’m all about accommodating my friends and their insecurities.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Satanic Dinnerware « CrakGenius
  2. How to Fix a CrakGenius – Part 1 « CrakGenius

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