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…And the Winner Is…

June 18, 2012

I get a lot of email.  I know I’ve mentioned that before, but between three primary email addresses, plus the address for my business, on any given week I get HUNDREDS of unwanted emails, versus, let’s say, seven wanted ones.  Then, there are the forwards.

I’m never sure how to handle the forwarded email.  The standard response is that I shake my head in bewilderment that people still forward emails, and then delete the forward without really looking at it. Forwarding emails is as creative as SHARING someone else’s facebook post.  Fuck, I just alienated a certain portion of my readers.  Sorry.   My point is that there’s really no reason, at this point in the information age, to forward ANYTHING, EVER, unless the intended recipient has expressly requested a certain item be forwarded to them.

And, yet, people do.  Over the last few months, I’ve noticed that a few different people forwarded the same email to me.  At least I THOUGHT it was the same email… because they all CLAIMED to be a list of the worst album covers ever.  Finally, I started looking at these lists.  They shared certain album covers, but they were NOT the same lists.  How is this possible?  All these emails claimed they were sharing with me images of the worst album covers ever.  Therefore, the lists must be the same.  Right?  RIGHT??   Riiiiiiight???

The problem here is this: everyone else is an idiot.  Not us, though.  You and I, we’re fine.  But the rest of them. Seriously.  Idiots. So when they make these lists, they really use their tiny brains to the best of their tiny abilities, but ultimately, they’re doomed to failure.  So now, let’s try to do this thing together, you and I. Because we’re better, we’ll succeed where they have failed.

What Makes Something the “Worst”

You can’t exactly just jump into this without some ground rules.  I mean, it’s easy to definitively say something is the worst… and so long as nobody declares you wrong, you’re right.  But that’s not right.  Right?

You look confused.  Okay fine.  Here’s an example: Michael Bolton is the absolute worst singer in the history of American popular music.  BAM!  You totally just read that, believed it, and if nobody said anything otherwise, you would repeat this “fact” later to someone in casual conversation.  You’d say, “I read somewhere that Michael Bolton was the worst singer in history.” Well, already, you misquoted me, but whatever.  Then the person you’re talking to thinks for a second and says, “What about Biz Markie?”  And now you’re boned.  You’re all, “fuck!  I forgot about Biz!  How’d I forget about the Biz?” And you’d shake your head despondently saying, “nobody beats the Biz.” And then that same know-it-all would say, “and Tiny Tim.  What about him?”  Now this asshole is really starting to pluck a nerve, and you’re really sorry you ever brought up the whole Michael Bolton thing.  But, more than that, you no longer respect ME as an authority in bad music.  I’ve clearly left some SERIOUS contenders off the list.

So, we can’t simply declare a winner here without some reasoning behind it. We need to scour the possibilities, and do our research.  We need to break down the entries into categories, make sure we have a winner in each category, and then pit the category winners against one another.  In the end, our argument MUST be airtight, with a clear and concise reason behind our decision.

Although… maybe nobody DOES beat the Biz…

Unfortunate Word Choice

In this category, we’ll look at album covers where the wording used was really, REALLY, stupid.  There are some seriously strong contenders here.

…but not in a gay way

You know, this wouldn’t be a bad album title.  I get it… it’s gospel music.  But then I count at least two possible pedophiles in the picture, and the album title seems to take on all sorts of horrific new meaning.

…if you know what I mean…

How do you know when this album is done?  Oh, you’ll know, honey. You’ll know.  Okay, on a side note…. why is she sitting next to a record player?  Is she lip-synching?  Err… finger-synching?  Whatever?

WHOA! Oh… I thought it said…

Track one was called, “Just the Tip.”  No it wasn’t, but how great would that be, right?  So, this one is an awesome combination of plaid jacket bow tie wearin’ accordion player with an unfortunate name, with the even MORE unfortunate verbiage “A Taste of.”  Holy shit this one has it all.  I declare a category winner.

Cheesy Dated Style

Not all style is universal.  Okay, pretty much NO style is universal.  It simply doesn’t stand the test of time… and throwing yourself completely behind any single fashion trend dooms you to looking back on pictures of yourself with a sense of shame.

Oh. My. Dear. God. NO.

Wow… they really jumped full force into a steaming pile of the 80’s there, didn’t they?  Pastel tank tops?  Check.  Big hair?  Check.  Headbands?  Check.  Arm straps?  Che… wait… when the fuck in the history of EVER did anyone wear random straps on their arms?!

For the record, THIS was NEVER in style.

Holy 70’s era shit.  Plaid polyester pants, turtleneck sweaters WITH a sweater vest on top.  How did the camera flash NOT cause these men to burst into flame?  And then there’s mom… dressed like an extra from Little House on the Prairie … I have NO explanation for that.

Oh ho ho! Three sexy little foxes just entered the competition!

This SO narrowly avoided being lumped into the previous category… mainly because of the lack of punctuation.  The difference between “Jesus Use Me,” and “Jesus!  Use Me,” is HUGE in this case.  But the Faith Tones dedication to our Lord is the ONLY thing greater than their dedication to uncomfortable bland clothing and gigantic hair.  For this, they win the style category.

Just Straight Up Creepy

I think sometimes album covers are intentionally creepy.  I’m going more for UNINTENTIONALLY creepy ones here, though.  It’s hard to really describe exactly what would make an album cover unintentionally creepy… maybe if I could find a good example of…

Aaahhhhh!

GREAT GOOGLEY MOOGLEY!  Yeah.  Exactly like that.  Holy shit, man, seriously?  There’s a right way and a wrong way to be a cross-dressing musician.  David Bowie in the Ziggy Stardust era: right.  Boy George: right.  You: wrong.  So very, very wrong.

The neck bone’s connected to the… Jew fro

WHAT THE SHIT?!  Who allowed this creepster to put out an ALBUM?  Oh my God did this dude ever freak me out when he was on television.  Nobody should be allowed to wear skin-tight spandex on children’s television.  I was so profoundly disturbed by him… guess I still am.

What the HELL Germany?!

NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!  Wow.  This is setting the creepy bar pretty high, here.  First off… look at him.  Jesus.  Secondly, the title of the album translates to: “Love Mother… a Bouquet That Never Wilts”.  Okay.  Wait.  What?  His eyes follow you wherever you go.  He’s LOOKING INTO YOUR SOUL.  Yeah.  Winner.

Total Failure

Here we’ll look at some terrible examples where everything on the cover comes together to make something truly horrible.

Eww. No. Just… eww!

Well… wow.  This is really horrible.  And yet, with all the nightmarish horror facing me in this album cover, I’m really fixated on the fact that she took off her shoe.  What the fuck?  Does she like the feeling of vile damp bathroom tiles beneath her bare feet?  Did she just spot a spider slightly off-camera that she needs to kill?  WHY IS SHE HOLDING HER SHOE?  …Also, who drops a deuce on an album cover.  There’s that, too.

So… hmmmm.

If you love your life so much… why is your mustache frowning?

They used that same font in the church program when I was a kid

Oh my GOD this one has it all.  Let’s start with the cheesy 80’s stache and hair.  BEYOND bad.  Then the sleeveless pastel shirt to show off that rockin’ bod.  Riiiiight?  Then, oh my, the lazy eye.  I know you thought I wasn’t going to mention it, but I totally AM mentioning it.  To complete the overall image, he takes the picture in front of his Nana’s house.  Pretty sweet, bro.  Pretty sweet.  Bet you live in the carriage house out back, huh.  NICE!  Let me not ignore the title of this recorded masterpiece: “Can I Borrow a Feelin’?”  You may indeed, Cody Matherson.  You may borrow a feelin’ whenever you feel the urge, because this album cover is GOLDEN.

And the Winner Is…

Okay, here’s the part where I piss you all off, because there IS NO WINNER.  I can’t even declare that these are in fact the best examples of bad album covers in each category.  You know why?  Because for as long as there exists a thing called music, there will also be struggling musicians.  And they will put out horrible, horrible albums with horrible, horrible cover art.  Sure, the technology may have changed, but even mp3’s are accompanied by some image for the album cover.  So as sure as there are white suburban kids trying to break into the rap scene, there are equally idiotic album covers to accompany their failed attempts.  Wow.  This entire blog served no purpose.  ALMOST LIKE A FORWARDED EMAIL.  Suck on that, email forwarders!

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3 Comments
  1. I have noticed if you tell people a made up fact, followed with “I read it on the internet, so it MUST be true.”, approximately 70% of people will believe you. Seriously, I read that on the internet…

    Also, people are dumb. But not us. Because we rock.

    I read that on the internet too. :o)

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  2. I love to completely make up random statistics and then justify them by saying, “it’s science.” Like: Only 22% of statistics on the internet are actually true… it’s science. You can never argue with science!

    Thank GOD we rock… in fact we rock hard enough to balance out the masses who don’t.

    • Scientifically speaking… If you take our mass of rock-atude and weigh it against the amount most people suck then divide it by llamas playing poker, you save the fucking world.

      You’re welcome, Planet Earth.

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