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Craigslist, You Magnificent Bastard

June 8, 2012

I have to admit, I freakin love Craigslist.  It started out as some seriously hippie nonsense… but unlike MOST hippie nonsense, it has avoided corruption and continues to be hippie nonsense.  Years ago, when Craigslist was gaining enormous groundswell, and was growing exponentially, a number of would-be investors tried to convince the creator of the site of the huge marketing potential.  He could have ads in all the margins on the front page, and ads for huge online retailers in strategic locations (like electronics stores on the electronics postings, local car dealerships on the car classifieds, dating sites could advertise on the personals, etc).  Craig would have nothing of it.  He dismissed them (probably with a hug, instead of a wave of the hand), saying “nah, man.  What we have is a corporate-free marketplace where people can exchange items and become more connected with their local brothers and sisters, man.  This is the new universal consciousness, man.  Like, totally, man.”  And then he went on to munch some crunchy granola which Country Joe handed him.  Or something.  That’s how it went down in my mind, anyway.  What I’m getting at is that the purple peace sign which appears in your browser tab as it loads is no accident.  That’s just how they roll down at Craigslist HQ.

This decision to shun all things which would make the website money has forced Craigslist to adopt a bit of a minimalist attitude toward its design.  Bold face title, line telling people when the post was put up, and regular font post.  That’s all you get.  If you want anything more, then you have to add it yourself.  This has led to some real ingenuity on the part of certain posters to the site.  After all, you have to do SOMETHING to get noticed.

It’s the creativity of these people which has led to the Craigslist best-of page.  I am addicted to this bad boy.  I check in about once every two months… after all, not many posts make the cut (they must first be nominated by Craigslist readers, and then selected by the website staff), and only about two or three posts a month are all you get to look at.  But those two or three posts are serious comedy GOLD.  I mentally classify all the best-of posts into five possible categories: desperation, why does this exist, wtf, the magnificent up-sell, and fuck you.  Recently, when checking on the best of Craigslist page, I saw that in the months of April and May 2012, I had examples from all five categories… and I just HAD to share the joy.  Oh, before we continue…

A Probably Unnecessary But Totally Legally Binding Warning: The content which follows is for adults only.  By scrolling below this point, you are identifying yourself as being of legal age to read such filth in your locality.  Illegally passing this point is punishable by law and PETA*.

*I’m not sure what caused me to invoke the name of the people for the ethical treatment of animals here.  I just felt like I needed an acronym to make this warning stick.

Fuck You

We’ll start with this category.  Frankly, it’s the heading that most funny posts on CL fall under.  These are posts where the author can’t help but be a snarky asshole, and take a dig at someone in the context of their post.  Like, “M4W Who Doesn’t Remind Me of My Bitch Ex Wife,” or “Free Dog to Loving Home… Also Free Pee Stains and Poo Stains on Carpet,” or something along those lines.  The Fuck You post for May:

Drunk Daughters 2007 BMX X3 si


Date: 2012-05-24, 8:06AM CDT


Selling my disrespectful, alcohol abusing, dwi arrested, spoiled bar bum of a daughters perfect BMW X3. The is a white X3 si, with xenon headlights, panoramic roof, all beige leather interior, all options with 105,000 miles on it. Just completed it’s 100,000 maintenance 2 months ago and is in complete and perfect condition with only the driver being the malfunction. We paid $20,500 12 months ago for the vehicle. Needing to sell to pay her legal battles and to buy her a shiny pink bicycle with a horn until she gets her act and her life in order some time soon. Beautiful car with no exterior, interior, or mechanical issues.

Ignoring the fact that he accidentally advertises a bicycle (BMX) when he means to advertise a car (BMW)… the seething fuck you nature of this post is nothing short of awesome.  It should really only be read through clenched teeth… possibly turning ones head and spitting after each reference to his daughter.

Desperation

I see a lot of desperation, though usually not of this form.  Most CL desperation comes in the form of the crossed paths personals.  “You winked at me at Starbucks and I peed a little.  I was too chickenshit to say anything to you.  I vomit nightly thinking about how I missed my one chance at happiness.  You had big titties.”  Something like that.  I’m paraphrasing obviously (ignore the use of quotation marks).  Anyway, think of this one as a cautionary tale.  Caution: don’t raw dog it.

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m


Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT


Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.  You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

Oh ho ho. You little minx.  After refreshing his memory of the good times he had grinding in the pit and getting fucked up in the bathroom, and the romance you both shared as he gagged you to keep you from making too much noise, you drop the whole pregnancy bomb as a footnote.  You tease, you!  And I’m sure Mr. Pentagram Gauges was hoping he could sire a child and be a part of his life.  Best of luck to both of you proud, proud parents.

WTF

No, seriously.  What.  The.  Fuck??

Require Dragon Slayer


Date: 2012-04-19, 5:08PM EDT


I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week. I am looking for someone to:

1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area.
2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area.
3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.

No Pay, dragon slaying is it’s own reward.

Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

Is this person seeing dragons, and perhaps in need of upping their meds?  Did they get bored and say, “hmm… I wonder what chucklefucks I can dig up with a nonsensical Craigslist posting?”  I don’t know.   Anyway, I was totally down before I saw this was an unpaid gig.  Dragonslaying is NOT its own reward… rewards are their own reward, damnit!

The Glorious Upsell

Sometimes, you think to yourself, “this shit will never sell.”  There’s two directions to take this.  Bury the fucking thing in mediocrity and hope someone will happen along and see your terrible post and feel sorry for you, or go WAY over the top and make this the greatest item ever witnessed in Craigslistory (I just invented that awesome word.  You’re welcome).  Unfortunately, the best example of this was a car listing for a 1995 Pontiac Grand Am a.k.a. “Jesus Tapdancing Christ” … but that listing was just one giant image file and I couldn’t do it justice.  Trust me, though, click the link, it’s worth it.  Instead, look at this crazy fish:

Look at this crazy fish


Date: 2012-04-15, 8:30PM PDT


Look at this motha fuc#*n fish, just look. His name is Captain Morgan, yes he has a popular alcoholic beverage named after him.This guy attracts attention, especially from the ladies. He’s super old, just kind of sits in the bottom of his tank and only swims around when you tap on the aquarium to give him dinner. AND OF COURSE once you tap he swims right to the surface, cuter than a freaking beagle eating a cupcake.

Like I said, super old, in fact his age is unknown. If he could talk, he would say things like ‘Back in Nam,’ ‘Get off my grass!’, and ‘Where’s my prune juice!?’ Oh! And he has this unnatural looking growth on his side…. but it’s cool. really.He can be adopted for free, comes with his 20 gal aquarium, flakes, and all his rocks & shit. I will deliver.

Captain Muthafuckin Morgan

Yep.  That’s a fish.

Why Does This Exist?

This is a category for objects which I can’t exactly figure out what their purpose is on earth.  I was torn here between the guitar, which I have selected, and a non-street legal Ford Explorer turned into a giant carton of milk pouring into a giant cereal bowl with cereal pillows for lounging around in (a tough choice, to be sure). I chose this item because the posting was just so educational.

Crucifix dobro guitar played by Funky Jesus – $priceless


Date: 2012-04-11, 7:30PM PDT


Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.

Standing at an imposing 6’6″ tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5” spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There’s even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4″ female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.

The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.

More pics http://imgur.com/a/Mxy0W

Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.

See?  I learned SO much from this.  1) San Francisco has a Hunky Jesus competition, 2) props from sacrilegious contests are considered historical and collectible, 3) Jesus Christ’s guitar can be yours if you’re willing to trade a motorcycle or a tube amp. The only thing NOT answered: did he play Rock Me Sexy Jesus from Hamlet 2 in the competition?  Because, come on, he totally should have.

Anyway, this is the insanity which I have come to expect from the best of Craigslist.  Keep it nutty, craigslisters!

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7 Comments
  1. I want the cross guitar. now.

    • It’s in San Francisco… isn’t that where you are? Stalk down that Funky Jesus and get you a guitar!

  2. I can totally slay that motherfucking green dragon. Straight up.

    (Call me.)

    Valerie

  3. Also, for the record, no one told me there was a Hunky Jesus competition. I would of had that shit in the BAG!

    Haters gonna hate.

    Valerie

    • On the Dragon, I was with you, but come on… dragon slaying is its own reward? Hook me up with a maiden or SOMETHING. I really don’t want to resort to butchering the thing down to sell the dragon parts. I’m not even sure Ollivander is buying more dragon heartstring these days.

      As to the Hunky Jesus competition… did you click the link to the additional pictures? There’s a picture there of another contestant wringing fake blood out of his hair with a total look of regret on his face as Funky Jesus cranks out a tune. Shirtless Jesus is all, “damn, fake blood is sticky. I totally should have built a crucifix guitar instead.” What I’m getting at is: choose your talent wisely. Oiling up with fake blood: bad. Turning water into wine spritzers for the drag queen judges: good.

      • I hear ya… If I’m gonna put my ass on the line for some dragon slaying, some hot maiden had better be on hand to rub some ointment on my 3rd degree burns. I figured that went unsaid. But you’re right. Craigslist is a shady place. You’ve gotta be sure to specify what you are looking for. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a large hairy man rubbing your back and talking about the benefits of owning more than 1 llama.

        I’m sure the fake blood seemed like a good idea at the time. Last year, I took my 5 year old to a zombie walk where we got our make up done to look like zombies. When it came time to apply a large amount of fake blood, she was all “let’s fucking do this!” Until the blood was on her. It was oddly cold and very sticky. She hated it. In fact, it ruined her day. Moral of the story: Bloody Jesus didn’t get laid at the afterparty.

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