The Greatest Conversation Ever – Part 3
If you’ve missed the first two parts to this blog, nothing that follows will make any sense to you. Okay, truth be told, even if you HAVE been following along, this blog is pretty much doomed to make very little sense, anyway. After all, we’re talking about an epic battle to the finish between breakfast cereal mascots. There’s only so much sense it can possibly make. If you need to catch up on the conversation, though, you can check out part one HERE and part two HERE. The basis of all this is a hilarious conversation which took place between myself and Kevin from A Ramblin’ Dad’s Blog.
The Fabulous Four
As we last saw, some huge upsets carried a 7 seed and an 8 seed into the final four, and some rather unpopular victories carried the two 1 seeds into the finals. Therefore, the BFC Fabulous Four looks like this.
You can’t fight crazy. My mom always told me that. And for the most part, I suppose that’s true. But in the Tutti Fruity region, we see that BOTH finalists have rode the crazy train to the finals. Here, the Cookie Crisp crazed wolf, Wolfie (possibly not his real name), and the Trix Rabbit… uhm, Silly Rabbit (possibly also not his real name)… take on one another in their bid to reach the Championship.
The Cookie Crisp wolf is driven by a mad desire for delicious Cookie Crisp cereal. He howls, “Cooooooookie Crisp” whilst wearing a Michael Jackson Bad era red leather zippered jacket. Meanwhile, the Trix Rabbit hops about bare-assed naked, wild for delicious Trix cereal. But… here’s the thing. I’ve tasted Trix. Frankly, if those kids ever let that Silly Rabbit actually TRY Trix cereal, he might leave them alone for good. Meanwhile, I’ve been known to howl for the delicious tiny chocolate chip cookies within the Cookie Crisp box. Based on deliciousness alone, the wolf should win. Even if I forget the cereals they represent, though, there is still the fact that we’re talking about a battle between a cereal-mad rabbit and a cereal-mad wolf. The wolf advances to the Championship round.
Out of the Sugar Frosted region, we see a match between the Chuck Norris of the cereal world, Captain Crunch, and the guy who caused this whole mess to begin with, Count Chocula. As the two face off in the ring, the crowd becomes uneasy. The Cap’n seems unbeatable. He is cereal mascot perfection. But, even WITH his trusty sword at his side, how can a ship’s captain ever hope to win against the attack from a vampire? Will the Bucktooth Brawler finally bring an end to the Badass of Breakfast?
The two combatants face one another, the bell sounds, and, as usual, the Captain gives his bushy white mustache a stroke before drawing his sword. Only… what’s this? He has replaced the blade of his sword with a wooden stake! Oh, well played, Captain! Upon seeing the fearsome weapon which would easily spell his demise, the Count begs mercy and withdraws from the match. The Cap’n advances to the Championship!
So, here we have it. The cereal mascot match of the century. The ultimate battle between Captain Crunch, and Wolfie (the more I say it, the stupider it sounds), the Cookie Crisp Wolf.
He’s faced a bee (who couldn’t sting), and angry cave man (who should have probably beaten him), and a vampire. Is there anyone who, even for a moment, expects the Cap’n to fall victim to a raging wolf?
Well… he does. Wolfie wins. The end.
Of course, the Cap’n wins this match as well. I imagine the match going something akin to the great WWF matches of the ’80s (before the World Wildlife Federation forced them to become the WWE), where the underdog (in this case, a quite literal term) nearly defeats the Cap’n. Just about the time the announcer shouts, “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!” the Captain rises slowly to his feet, like James Brown at the end of every concert ever, throwing off the wolf, wrestling victory from the jaws of defeat (again, a quite literal term), and, as he presses his sword to the throat of the wild-eyed canine, he extracts a plea for mercy as the beast yields.
Or something like that. Maybe he just runs him through in the first few seconds, easy peasy. I don’t know. The point is, Captain Crunch is the winner of the Breakfast Fighting Championship!
The Post-Match Press Conference
Here are some excerpts from the press conference following the match. Obviously, this was cut short due to the riots that ensued.
Reporter: Do you think you held an unfair advantage, being the only combatant allowed to carry a weapon?
Cap’n: I don’t know. All I can say is this was a delicious victory. Almost as delicious as my crunchy sweet Captain Crunch cereal, part of this complete breakfast!
Reporter: If Fred had been allowed a club, could he have beaten you?
Cap’n: I suppose we’ll never really know. But what I DO know is this championship was as sweet as a Crunchberry!
Reporter: Why were you allowed a wooden stake in the Chocula match? After all, you have never been depicted on any cereal box carrying any weapon besides a sword!
Cap’n: Look buddy, I’ve been fending off pirates and sea monsters since before you were a gleam in your daddy’s eye, so watch it.
Reporter: Was… was that a threat?
Cap’n: Ha ha ha, of course not, son. I was only joking.
Reporter: Oh… okay. But, what is your comment on the use of the wooden stake?
Cap’n: I won’t be answering any questions about the stake. The BFC judiciary panel allowed it. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.
Reporter: But, come on, Cap. Surely you see how unfair this whole thing has been!
Cap’n: Unfair? Is it fair that I was asked to battle a cave man? Or a vampire? Or a werewolf?
Reporter: Um… isn’t that Cookie Crisp guy just a regular wolf?
Cap’n: Oh, yes. Of course. One of those regular wolves that goes around dressed like Vanilla Ice and craving chocolate chip cookie flavored cereal. One of THOSE regular wolves. No, of course that [censored] son of a [censored] is a normal [censored] wolf. Tell you what. You climb your happy ass into the ring and [censored] take him on! I dare you. I DOUBLE dare you, mother [censored]. While you’re at it, take me on! I’ll show you who stays crispy in milk, and who bleeds like a little [censored].
At this point, the Captain was ushered from the building by his entourage. The rioting outside had reached a fever pitch, and threatened to spill over into the arena. The captain was last heard as he held the Bowl of Champions aloft, shouting above the din, “I will forever savor this moment! Just like I savor the taste of delicious Peanut Butter Crunch cereal! Part of this complete breakfast!”
Some Entirely Inadequate Legal Mumbo Jumbo
So, I pretty much own NONE of the images used in this whole fiasco. For example, I’m pretty sure the UFC could sue the pants off me for bastardizing their logo. If it helps, I’m sorry I stole it and it was a real pain in the ass to make it say “Breakfast” instead of “Ultimate.” Then there’s all those cereal guys. Captain Crunch is a trademark of Quaker. Tony the Tiger, Dig ‘Em, Apple and Cinna Mon, Toucan Sam, Cornelius the Rooster, and Snap, Crackle, and Pop are all trademarked properties of Kelloggs. Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, and Sugar Bear are all trademarks of Post. The Trix Rabbit, Lucky the Leprechaun, Sonny the Cuckoo, the Cookie Crisp Wolf, Wendell the Baker, Count Chocula, Franken Berry, Boo Berry, and Buzz the Bee are all trademarks of General Mills. I suppose admitting all this does nothing to prevent cease and desist orders, but it helps me sleep at night.
Also, sorry for the rioting and mayhem this led to. Can’t we all just get along?