The Greatest Conversation Ever
A lot of you follow me on the Twitters. I love that. To all my awesome followers, thank you for being the imaginary friends I talk to through the computer box thingy. You complete me (and temporarily silence the voices). Sometimes, though, I can be a twitter fuckup. Sometimes, people follow me and I fail to notice it and follow them back. If that ever happens, just fire me an @ and say hi. I love conversing via Tweeter. In fact, some of the funniest things I’ve ever said on the Twitternets has come in one of those @ conversations with other people.
Such was the case on Saturday night (and into Sunday morning). I posted something about Chocolate Lucky Charms, and in response I got an @ from someone. When the @ came through, I realized that this person was following me, but I was not yet following them. I quickly learned that this guy was hilarious, with a quick wit (in other words, this bounty hunter was my kind of scum). So, before we go any further on this thing, let me encourage all of you to follow @bakoramblindad and to check out his awesomely funny blog HERE. You’ll be glad you did.
Because Breakfast Isn’t For Pussies
The twitter conversation which would eventually last almost two and a half hours began like this…
Kevin: isn’t chocolate Lucky Charms called Count Chocula?
Me: Whoa whoa whoa… In Count Chocula the marshmallows are also chocolate. Know your cereal, bro.
Kevin: haha my bad. In related news, count chocula could take lucky the leprechaun
Me: Well, that’s a given. He could also kick both the Berry brothers (Franken and Boo) with one fang tied behind his back.
Kevin: hmm. I think Boo Berry would give him problems.
Me: Laughing so hard… I have no idea how to respond to that. You win, man. You win.
Kevin: thanks. I think we can both acknowledge that the #trix rabbit and his pent up frustrations would dominate all others.
Me: The Coco Puffs bird is crazy as fuck, though. It would be an interesting match against that Waskilly #Trix Wabbit
Me: I don’t know? Sounds like a video game concept. Mostly I’m proud we went this long without a “cereal killer” pun.
Kevin: we’re above that. We’re Grrrrrreat!
After much discussion, though, I knew this had to be done. I knew, no matter how much of a pain in the ass this would become, I needed to create a winner-take-all battle royale showdown of the breakfast cereal mascots!
And Thus, the BFC was Formed
Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Children of all ages! Welcome to the first annual,* single elimination, winner take all tournament of the BFC: the Breakfast Fighting Championship!
*Note: there will be no second annual. This was extremely difficult to do.
So, I knew this would be one of those single-elimination brackets. Like the NCAA tournament, only nobody out there is betting on breakfast cereal battles. I spent a long time (seriously… a LONG time) considering which characters should be in the battle, and which characters should not. For example…
Me: Does the Two Scoops Sun get to participate or can we all agree that would be a horrible idea?
Kevin: yeah. I dont know. I think celestial beings should be in a different weight class. Good call though, forgot about him!
The two scoops sun was, in fact, left out, mainly because his one move – burning everything and everyone at over 5700 degrees Kelvin – pretty much seemed both unstoppable and horrible. Other characters faced a great deal of scrutiny, such as Captain Crunch.
Kevin: shit I don’t think anyone takes the Cap’n . Hes the @chucknorris of cereals!
Think about it… there’s the most epic cereal character mustache in history, the fact that he dresses like he’s in Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, and then, there’s the sword.
Me: More people should hear of this. It’s been enlightening, to say the least.
Kevin: I have a feeling people would disagree with the outcome tho. Cars could be overturned.
Me: It’s cereal… not a Lakers game. Though… if we allow Cap’n his sword, some people might cry foul… hmm…
Kevin: hey, the Cap’n invented milk, so he can do as he pleases
Exactly. The Cap’n invented milk. I had forgotten that. At least… I’m pretty sure I heard that somewhere before. So, before long, I had the field narrowed down to 18 total combatants or tag teams. Certain teams were broken up in unusual ways. For example, the creepster bunch – Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Franken Berry – were broken up into the Count and the Boo Bros. because that configuration had already been discussed. Also, I needed to break up the tag-team duo of Fred and Barney.
Kevin: shit. Fred Flintstone. Hope u didn’t start your bracket, he just blew it up!
Me: Oh I didn’t forget Fred… or Barney. Plus, they have that weird morphing power now thanks to the recent ads. Both #4 seeds
Kevin: not a tag team? They probably have some jealousy issues about who has the hotter wife. Best to keep them separate.
Me: That was my thinking. And too strong to team together.
So… before long the seeding was done. The brackets were set. The Breakfast Fighting Championship… “The battles: epic. The outcome: irrelevant.”
The Sugar Frosted Region
I broke the field into two regions, with a play-in round for each region. In the Sugar Frosted Region, the top seed is Cap’n Crunch. The two seed goes to Tony the Tiger, for his brand recognition powers, his longevity as an icon, and the fact that he’s a friggin’ tiger. The three seed is the Berry Bros. (Franken and Boo), because the combined powers of a monster and a ghost sound pretty epic. The four seed is Fred Flintstone, with his combination of cave-man brute strength and pure aggression (a.k.a. anger management issues). The five and six seeds, playing a play-in qualifier, are Dig ‘Em the frog and Sugar Bear in a same-cereal battle royale. Count Chocula falls to the seven seed, largely so that he can face the Berry Bros. in the first round, and because he looses a lot of street cred for having giant Nosferatu buck-tooth fangs instead of scary canines like Dracula. In the eighth position: the Cinnamon Toast Crunch baker, Wendell. The ninth and lowest seed is Buzz, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. So, here’s how the field shapes up…
The play-in round is up first.
Me: That hippie Dig ‘Em frog would also get his ass kicked by the Golden Crisp Bear in a same-cereal-grudge-match
Kevin: bwahahaha! Damn, thats a good one!
So, Sugar Bear, as he endured the name of his cereal changing from Sugar Crisp, to Super Sugar Crisp, to Super Golden Crisp, to just Golden Crisp, endures the bouncing hippie frog and moves on to face Fred Flintstone. On to the round of eight:
First up, the Cap’n versus the Honey Nut Bee. The outcome was pretty obvious, though.
Me: The Honey Nut Cheerios bee is pretty much screwed because he dies if he stings anyone… and that’s like his ONE MOVE.
Kevin: yeah he’s pretty much sting cuffed. Unless hes Africanized and we dont know it!
Holy shit that was a racist comment. Ohhhhh wait… Africanized bees. I get it. Uhm, no. As it turns out, he was just a plain ol’ honey bee, and didn’t stand a chance against the Cap’n.
The 2-8 match features Tony the Tiger against Wendell the Baker. But… what the hell happened to the other bakers? Remember? There WERE three of them! Then, all of a sudden, only one was left. Is that the secret to Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s deliciousness? Is it the soylent green of breakfast, made of the missing bakers whom Wendell killed in his basement? Well, regardless of Wendell’s possibly murderous nature, I think we can all agree in a battle with a tiger, he is well outmatched. The tiger advances.
Next up, Fred Flintstone versus Sugar Bear. Don’t get me wrong, I think bears are terrifying. But Sugar Bear is pretty much the Frank Sinatra of bears, chillin’ in his fedora (not pictured) and crooning about how he can’t get enough of Super Golden Crisp (or whatever they’re calling his cereal this week). He doesn’t really stand a chance against angry cave-man Fred, and Fred Flintstone advances.
The match of the round is definitely Count Chocula, the 7 seed, facing off against the Berry Brothers, the 3 seed. This battle really comes down to the Count against Boo, as Franken is pretty much the special needs kid of the scary cereal crew. I could see Boo tagging in, and Franken wandering off. Normally, I wouldn’t give anyone a chance in hell against a ghost, but Boo isn’t much of a ghost. He wears a straw hat and a bow tie. When the hell was the last time you saw ANYONE wear a straw hat? Well, politicians when running for office, I guess. Which means… Boo is a politician ghost? Yeah, fuck that. The Count advances in a MASSIVE upset! Ohhh your BFC office pool bracket is officially BUSTED!
We’re now half-way through the Sugar Frosted Region, and here’s how the brackets are shaping up:
To Be Continued…
For part two, click HERE. In part two, we’ll introduce the second region, the Tutti Fruity Region, and work our way to discovering who is the ultimate breakfast champion! I know you’re too excited to wait… but wait you must. THIS is the sort of drama which makes this blog great.**
**By great, I mean mediocre. In fact, “barely tolerable” might be a more apt description.
I linked this blog to the Humor Me! Blog Hop.
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